


A story about love

by Toady99



Category: The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M, Love, Relationship(s), Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-09-19 00:51:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 29,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9410333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toady99/pseuds/Toady99
Summary: “You’ve never been in love? That’s simply impossible!”“It’s very much possible.”“But the people in your books fall in love all the time.”“They do.”“But you don’t know how that feels?”“No.”It's the truth. Lexa doesn’t know how it feels. She knows what attraction feels like and she has cared for people, but love? The sort of love songs are about … she has never experienced that.Author's note: I suck at summaries. Just give this little story a try. ;)





	1. Chapter 1

“What are you doing?”  
“I’m writing.”  
“But you already did that yesterday.”  
“And I am going to do it tomorrow and the day after that. It’s my job.”

Lexa looks up and sees that the woman is pouting just a little. Big doe eyes look at her like she is waiting for something and Lexa knows exactly what it is, but she doesn’t have the time for it. She has to work.

The pouting stops just as soon as it started. The woman is an actress and a fine one.  
Lexa looks at her and wonders why she is here. She is so very young and Lexa is … so very much not. Just this morning when she looked into the mirror she saw a few strands of hair that are not only white, but a shiny kind of silver. She hates it. She is not yet forty, but she can already feel her body change. She sighs and the woman looks up.

“Maybe you can take a small break?”

She smiles and Lexa feels a familiar twist in her stomach. Costia is 23. 15 years younger than Lexa and the writer doesn’t know why on earth she would be appealing to her.  
Costia can have whomever she wants. 

Of course Lexa knows exactly what it is about Costia that is appealing to herself.  
God, she is beautiful, but that’s not all there’s to her. She’s smart and funny and when she’s not looking at her with this Lolita look in her eyes she’s actually a woman who knows what she wants.  
Lexa should feel blessed and to some extent she does, but there is something missing and she knows it.

“I can’t. I have to finish this.”

Costia gets up.  
“You’re no fun today.”

Lexa smiles sadly.  
“Well, I guess that means I am my usual self.”

They were introduced at a party by mutual friends a few weeks ago and they hit it off right away. She was shy about it in the first place, because she is so much older, but Costia didn’t care. She told her she wanted her and so she went home with her. Well, they went to Costia’s hotel room, because the woman doesn’t have a home. She’s traveling a lot. Next week she will be on location in Mexico and Lexa will have time to finish her book.  
One more week and one red carpet event she promised to attend and things will be back to normal. Lexa likes normal.

“I’m going to leave you alone, okay?”

Costia is right in front of her now, her jacket hanging loosely over her shoulders and she looks like an old-fashioned photograph from the twenties. Lexa furrows her brows.

“What?”

“Why do you always look like that?”

Costia raises an eyebrow.  
“Look like what?”

“Like you just jumped out of a fucking magazine?” 

Lexa gets up and grabs Costia’s neck. As soon as her hands touch skin she can hear Costia moan. Lexa leans in and kisses her. She kisses her hard and doesn’t think about consequences or deadlines for a second. 

Costia smells like fresh flowers. She always does and Lexa puts her arms around her waist and lifts her up like she is weightless. She feels Costia’s legs wrapping around her waist and starts walking towards the bedroom. 

When they reach the bed she lets her down and pushes her backwards. Costia laughs, but Lexa doesn’t. She just looks at her, at her long legs, her perfect curves and her hair that shines like satin. 

“Are you just going to stand there?”

She is mocking her, but Lexa doesn’t mind. She knows that in about five minutes times there won’t be much left of Costia’s façade. She knows that she will be out of breath, grinding beneath her, begging her to let her come. Lexa knows exactly what it is Costia wants and she will provide it. She has done so countless times within the last weeks.

“Undress.”

“What? No foreplay?”  
Costia grins now, but Lexa’s face remains stoic.

“This is foreplay. Undress!”

The woman looks at her and her expression begins to change. She is a little irritated, but also turned on. She slowly opens the buttons of her shirt, her eyes never leaving Lexa’s who is waiting, watching her. She throws the shirt to the ground, gets rid of her bra and opens her belt and the buttons of her jeans. She leans back down on the bed.

“Do you want to help me?”

She looks at Lexa, her pupils widened and Lexa knows she won’t have to do much to make her come. Costia has been waiting for this. 

She leans forward, grabs the legs of the jeans and pulls them off her.  
Costia has nice underwear, but Lexa isn’t interested in looking at it for too long.  
She puts her index fingers under the seams of the panties and pulls them off too.  
There is another moan from Costia who has her eyes closed now. Lexa looks at her.  
She is a piece of art, a painting waiting to be done. She is beautiful and Lexa can’t help herself. She wants to touch her. She goes down on her knees and pulls the woman closer. 

Her legs are spread and Lexa feels the wetness between them. She kisses the inside of her thighs and slowly moves her mouth to where she knows she will be welcomed most. 

Another moan, louder this time. She places her tongue on the woman’s clit and starts licking. Already Costia hips push towards her, but Lexa won’t let her come this easily. She plays with her, calculating exactly which amount of pressure and which frequency will bring Costia to the edge, only to stop in the middle of it. She hears a howl and grins. 

When she looks up Costia stares at her and Lexa cocks an eyebrow. 

“You really want to come, huh?”

There is heavy breathing and nodding. Lexa grins.  
With one fluid motion she gets rid of her t-shirt, loses her pants and underwear and lowers her body onto the woman’s. 

As soon as she places her hand on her sex and her fingers start to move she feels Costia’s fingernails digging into the skin on her back. She kisses her and the woman’s tongue frantically claims her mouth. She really wants this badly so Lexa obliges and fucks her. 

This is not sweet lovemaking. This is sex. No more, no less.

–---

“You’re sure, you don’t want to come?”  
“Oh, I came already.”

Costia looks at her from where she is standing and Lexa can’t help, but grin. She has never been someone who says things like this. She has no idea why she said it right now.  
She shakes her head.

“I am sure. I have to work.”

“But you promise you’ll accompany me to this stupid event on Friday?”

“This ‘stupid event’ is the premiere of your movie. You really want to be seen with me?”

Costia closes the last buttons on her shirt.  
“Why would I not?”

Lexa reaches for her underwear.  
“I don’t know? Fear of typecasting? Questions why you’re with an old woman?”

Costia looks at her.  
“First: People know I’m bisexual, so I don’t care. Second: You’re not old.”

“Well, older.”

“So what?”

Lexa puts on her pants.  
So what indeed.

“I don’t have to put on a dress though, do I?”

Costia smiles.  
“Actually, I might have been able to get you a beautiful new suit by Armani.”

“You did?”

“You do not sound excited.”

“I will be excited when I see and like it.”

“It will be here tomorrow. Don’t wear it while you write. You’ll get ketchup on it.”

Lexa throws a pillow at her.

When Costia is gone Lexa looks into the mirror as if to assess herself. She is reasonable good looking and her body is in shape. When she’s not writing she works out. Well, at least she tries to. Her hair is longish and a light shade of brown, but it seems to have a mind of its own. Her eyes are green with just a sprinkle of blue and brown as if the one who made her couldn’t decide on which color to assign to her. 

She has a nice smile, but lately the laugh lines around her eyes started to get deeper and she hasn’t quite come to terms with that. She doesn’t feel one day older than 28, but who is she kidding? In the eyes of twenty-somethings she is old and she feels self-conscious about that.

She sighs. She hates red carpet events. She hates readings too. She feels happiest when she is slouched in front of her computer screen inventing fictional worlds.  
On Friday there will be cameras and reporters. Other people might have been thrilled to be invited to one of the most anticipated movie premieres of the year, but Lexa not so much.  
But she couldn’t back out. She promised. 

She sighs again and goes back to her desk. There are chapters to be written and editors to please.

–---

“Are you ready?”

“No.”

Lexa stares through the window of the limousine and watches the people behind the barriers go nuts over the arrival of the male lead. He’s a nice guy. She met him at a party once. Right now he looks a little overwhelmed and Lexa is right there with him.

Costia smiles at her. She looks gorgeous in her dress that screams “haute couture”, but is not too much over the top. Lexa’s suit is simple and classic. She likes it a lot.

“Let’s do this then.”

Costia nods for the security guard to open the door and Lexa steps out first offering her hand to Costia who smiles and takes it. As soon as she is out in the open the screaming starts. Fans, photographers, journalists, they all want a piece of Costia and Lexa tries to stay out of the way as much as possible. She doesn’t like the game of ‘Look here! No, look here! Smile! Turn, please.’ There are a few questions for her as well though. After all she is a published writer. She’s not J.K. Rowling, but people know her. 

At some point Costia takes hold of her hand and intertwines their fingers. Lexa can almost see the headlines being typed. It’s like they magically appear in the air above the respective journalists’ head. She tries to keep smiling. She really wants to go home.

The movie is good, but Lexa didn’t expect anything less. She read the script and it’s perfect for Costia. It gives her the room to explore her character, make it her own. Costia is brilliant at what she does and Lexa sees a bright future for her. She knows a few good actors, but Costia is something else entirely. 

When the movie is over and all the applause has faded, Costia takes her hand again and looks at her.

“Thank you for doing this.”

Lexa gives her a warm smile in return.  
“I promised I’d be there, didn’t I? What now? After-show party?”

“I guess I have to go for a little while, but we don’t have to stay long if you don’t want to.”

Costia seems insecure all of a sudden. It’s not something Lexa expected on an evening like this. She wonders if she doesn’t want to go to the party of if she’s not sure Lexa wants to.

“I’ll be alright. Maybe I can interest somebody in making a movie out of one of my books.”

She gives her a kiss on the cheek and Costia’s face lights up.  
“Let’s go then.”

–---

The party is nothing Lexa is used to. It’s full of important people talking about important things and while Costia mingles with the crowd Lexa gets a drink … or two. 

She talks to one of the producers who wants to know if she is interested in selling the rights to one of her books. She says she will think about it and asks him to call her agent.  
She doesn’t know if she wants her book to be a movie. She spends so much time getting every word on the page right that the idea of some screenwriter picking it apart and some director with an “artistic vision” watering it down even more doesn’t sound too appealing.

She looks around for Costia and finds her in a deep discussion with her co-star. She walks over and smiles at him as he praises her last book and how Costia knocked her part in the movie out of the park. She sees the way Costia looks at him and she knows she’s tired of listening to him so she gives the nicest apology she can think of and gets them out of there. Costia looks at her like she wants to kiss her right here and now.

Lexa takes her hand and pulls her towards the exit. She makes sure they get their jackets and when they leave, Costia puts her arm around Lexa and positions her head on her shoulder. Lexa doesn’t know how, but she still manages to walk on like that even if it looks awfully uncomfortable. They get to their limousine and the driver holds the door for them. Two minutes into the drive Costia is fast asleep.

“Where to?”

Lexa looks at the driver through the rearview mirror and hesitates. She could bring Costia to her hotel. Lexa would love to sleep alone for once, but she knows Costia would be disappointed, so she gives the driver her address.  
When they arrive she almost carries Costia inside. She puts her on the bed and helps her to get rid of her clothes only to provide her with shorts and a t-shirt. 

Costia is already snoring in a very adorable way when Lexa comes back from the bathroom. She lies down and sighs.


	2. Chapter 2

“You had quite a night, huh?”

Lexa looks up at Bellamy who is standing behind the counter of his little coffee shop.

“What do you mean?”

He points at the pile of newspapers to his right and proceeds to make her coffee.  
Lexa grabs the first paper and stares at her own face. Costia is smiling into the camera, her arm around Lexa’s waist and Lexa herself … frowns. Great.  
The headline is “The actress and her moody writer”. That’s what she is now? Costia’s plus one? 

She sighs which makes Bellamy look at her.

“What?”

“Nothing. It’s just that you do not look like you had a blast which is … terribly sad considering that you spent the night with one of the most beautiful women at a prestigious movie premiere.”

He hands her the coffee.

“Do you want anything else? You look like you could use something sweet.”

Before she can answer Lexa hears the door open behind her. It has a little bell on it that makes a sound like Tinkerbell just entered the room. She smiles at the thought and as she turns around she almost drops her coffee cup. 

The woman who entered is about her age. She has blonde hair that is in a neat ponytail while Lexa’s hair has decided to be all over the place today. Her eyes are so blue that Lexa has to think about the sky and the ocean simultaneously which makes her head spin and she smiles again. 

The woman smiles back and Lexa blushes just a little bit.

“Hey Clarke! The usual?”  
“Yes, please.”

Her voice sounds astoundingly raspy and it sends a shiver down Lexa’s spine.  
What is happening? 

She looks at the woman, Clarke, and notices the cane in her hand. As she walks in Lexa can see that she is limping like her left leg doesn’t fully support her weight and she leans on the cane instead. It’s black and wooden and has a silver knob and Lexa thinks it looks badass.  
She blushes some more and feels Bellamy’s eyes on her.

“Clarke, sit down for a sec, will ya? I need to get some espresso beans. You, too, Lexa. I’ll get your Danish the moment I get back. By the way: Clarke, this is Lexa.”

He leaves and Lexa is still standing in front of the counter with her coffee cup in her hands. Clarke walks the few steps to one of the three tables in the room and sits down. She puts the cane and her messenger bag next to her and looks up at Lexa who is still staring. She smiles.

“Care to join me?”

Lexa hesitates for a second, but Clarke still smiles at her and so she walks over and sits down across from her.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

They are both silent after that and Lexa feels the smile crawl up her face again.  
Clarke studies her like it’s the natural thing to do and for some reason it isn’t awkward.  
It just is. 

Lexa looks up.

“Do you come here often?”

Clarke bursts out laughing and Lexa blushes.  
Okay, a writer should probably come up with a better pick-up line. 

“I am sorry. That sounded kinda weird.”

Clarke grins at her.  
“It’s fine. It’s pretty early and from what I see you haven’t had your coffee yet, so I guess the conversation can only improve.”

Lexa looks at the cup that is still in her hand and takes a sip of coffee. It’s still hot.  
She looks back at Clarke and smiles.

“Let me try again. Hi, I am Lexa. It’s nice to meet you, Clarke. How do you know Bellamy?”

Clarke smiles back at her.

“Hi Lexa. Bellamy’s my best friend’s brother and yes, I come here often. But I haven’t seen you here before.”

“That’s because I only moved to New York a few months ago and this …” Lexa looks at her watch and nods. “… is usually not my time.”

“You’re not a morning person?”

“Not really.”

“So, how come you’re here now?”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

She looks at Clarke and wonders why it is so easy talking to her.  
Normally Lexa is better with the written word.

Bellamy comes back from his storage room and fills the coffee grinder with beans. When he starts it the room is filled with noise and the smell of fresh coffee. Lexa takes a deep breath and watches Clarke do the same. A few minutes later Bellamy places a Danish in front of her and a to-go cup in front of Clarke.  
The woman smiles at him and gets up. 

“Can you put it on my tab?”

“Sure thing. I’ll see you tonight, right?”

“Right.”

Bellamy hugs her and gets back behind the counter.  
Clarke turns to face Lexa and extends her hand.  
“It was nice meeting you, Lexa. Maybe we run into each other again?”

Lexa gets up, too, and shakes her hand. It’s warm and she has a firm grip.  
“I hope so.” 

Did she just say that?

Clarke smiles and her eyes linger on Lexa’s for a second before she walks to the door.  
At the counter she stops.

“Bell, can I take on of the papers?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks.”

She takes the paper on top, the one with Lexa’s face on it, and puts it into her bag without looking at it. Lexa freezes. It’s not only her face. It’s her and Costia.  
She thinks about saying something, but she doesn’t know what the appropriate thing would be so she keeps silent. For someone who writes for a living she really is bad with words.

Before she leaves Clarke turns her head one last time and smiles. Lexa knows that the image will stay with her for the rest of her day. She looks after her until Clarke turns a corner and is out of sight.

“Do you like your Danish?”

“Huh?”

She looks up and sees that Bellamy is grinning again. She rolls her eyes at him and takes a bite of the pastry. It gives her time to think.

“So Clarke is your sister’s friend?”

“How do you know I have a sister?”

“I guessed.”

“You guessed right.”

She nods.

“What is wrong with her leg?”

Bellamy props his arms onto the counter and looks at her.  
“She was in a car accident when she was 17. Her knee was smashed and her father died.”

“Oh.”

Lexa looks concerned and Bellamy studies her. He likes her. She’s silent most of the time, but she always nice and she gives him tips.  
He knows who she is of course. He reads a lot and the stuff Lexa writes is good. He likes crime novels and Lexa’s are the only ones he hasn’t figured out after a chapter or two.  
Maybe he should ask her to sign them for him.

“What are you up to tonight?”

Lexa spaced out for a second so when Bellamy asks his question she doesn’t answer right away and he keeps on talking.

“I mean, you probably have things to do, movie stars to date … stuff like that, but if you don’t: Yesterday was my birthday and I’m throwing a little party.”

Lexa looks at him.  
“And you’re inviting me?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Why?”  
He laughs at the question.  
“You’ve been coming here for five weeks now and I guess, I like you. You’re always nice and I have a feeling that you do not know too many people in New York yet.”

She considers his words and knows that he is right. She doesn’t know too many people. 

“Clarke will be there …”

He says it casually, but his words linger in the room and Lexa feels herself blush again.

“So?”

He smiles.  
“Just saying.”

Lexa gets up and walks over to him.  
“Are you sure you’re friends won’t find it weird?”

“Why would they? They are nice people. You’ll like them.”

He takes a piece of paper and writes down his address.  
“It’s right around the corner. I don’t want presents, but you can bring beer if you’d like.”

She looks at the paper in his hand and hesitates, but in the end it is an easy choice and she takes is.

“Thank you, Bellamy.”

He smiles at her.  
“You’re welcome.”

\-----------------------------

“I thought, we could hang out.”

“I told you that I have to work.”

“You work all the time, Lex.”

“Yes, just like you will, when you’re shooting your movie.”

Lexa sighs and tries not to roll her eyes at the phone that is on speaker.  
She is typing on her keyboard while she speaks and she guesses that Costia can hear the clicking sound the keys make.

“That’s exactly my point. I am leaving for Mexico in a week and I want to spend some time with you before that.”

Lexa sighs again.

“Listen, Costia, I have a deadline that I intend to keep. Also, I have been invited to a birthday party …”

“A party? Can I come?”  
Costia sounds excited.

“No.”  
Lexa’s answer comes too fast and she holds her breath for a moment. 

“Why not?”  
Costia sounds defensive now.

“Because it’s a small party and I don’t know anyone, but the host. It’s my chance to get to know some people.”

“And you think that having your actress girlfriend tag along diminishes your chances to get to know people?”

Girlfriend? Since when is Costia her girlfriend?

“Yes.”

“Okay …”

Lexa sighs for a third time.

“Listen, Cos, I really need to get this chapter done or Anya is going to kill me. If you want to we can have dinner tomorrow. Is that okay?”

There is a small pause and she tries to finish the sentence she has been typing.

“Dinner means takeout at your place, right?”  
This time it’s Costia who’s sighing.

Lexa looks at the phone.

“I was under the impression you wanted to spend quality time with me so what does it matter?”

“It matters, because you need to get out of the house once in a while. Have a life.”

“Going out with you means photographers, Cos. It’s not like we’d have an intimate date night.”

She hears Costia's laughter.  
“Well, Lex, if intimate is what you’re going for then takeout it is.”

\-----------------------------

It’s nine o’clock when Lexa arrives at the address Bellamy has given her. She looks at the house and back at the paper in her hand. It’s a brownstone, a beautiful one. She wonders how he can afford to live here.

She puts the paper in her jeans pocket and carries her two six-packs of beer up the stairs to the door. There is only one name on the doorbell.  
Blake. So Bellamy really lives alone in a huge brownstone. She’ll have to ask him for his investment adviser’s name.

Lexa rings the bell and a minute later a woman opens the door. She is a little younger than Lexa is, with brown hair and intense eyes. She looks a little like Bellamy, but scarier, and when she sees her she looks … disappointed.  
Lexa smiles at her anyway.

“Hi! I’m Lexa. Bellamy invited me.”

The woman still looks at her like she is considering if she should let her in.  
There are footsteps in the hall and Bellamy appears.

“Lexa! Hi! I see, you met my sister?”  
He grins.  
“Octavia, be nice and let Lexa come in.”

Octavia’s eyes last on her for one more second, then she smiles.  
“I am sorry. Of course.”

She opens the door a little more and turns to leave.  
Lexa wonders what this was all about.

Bellamy grins even more.  
“I’m sorry, Lexa. O is a little weird today. She was hoping her boyfriend might make a surprise visit, but he hasn’t shone up yet. He’s in the army and he’s supposed to arrive back home today.”

He looks at the six-packs.  
“You brought gifts?”

Lexa smiles at him.  
“Yes. Happy belated birthday, I guess.”

He takes the beer and tells her to follow her.

The house is even more beautiful on the inside. Everything is carefully restored and the furniture is a mixture of modern and secondhand. She likes it a lot.

“Do you live here alone?”

Bellamy stops before he enters the main room.  
“No, I live here with O. It’s our parents house. They left it to us when they died.”

“I am sorry.”

He smiles.  
“Don’t be. It was ages ago.”

He turns around and enters the living room.  
“Welcome to the party.”

There are a lot of people in the living room. Lexa counts about fifty and there seem to be even more in the kitchen. She looks around and soon realizes that she doesn’t know anyone. Bellamy leaves to put the beer into the fridge and Lexa is standing in a room full of strangers. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

“We meet twice in one day … Is this becoming a pattern?”

Lexa almost feels Clarke’s breath on her neck and it makes her shiver and smile at the same time. She turns around to face the woman.

“You tell me.”

She grins and so does Clarke.

“So, are you and Bell buddies now?”

“I don’t know if that’s the case, but he was kind enough to invite me, so ...”

Clarke looks at her with amusement.  
“So he likes you. That’s something. He may be nice to everyone, but it takes him a little to really warm up to someone.”

She looks across the room. There is a free spot on the sofa. 

“Follow me!”

She grabs Lexa’s wrist and pulls her with her. 

The sofa is an old Chesterfield. Lexa loves it at first sight. They sit down and Clarke introduces her to the other people who were lucky enough to find a spot to sit.  
There is Octavia, whom Lexa already met, but there also are a few other people. 

“Guys, this is Lexa. Lexa meet Octavia, Monty, Jasper and Raven.”

They all smile at her and nod their heads.  
Monty is a kind looking asian guy and seems to be good friends with Jasper who’s tall and slim and looks a little shy.  
Raven on the other hand seems to anything, but shy. She stares at Lexa and raises an eyebrow.

“You’re Lexa Woods.”

Lexa looks at her.  
“That is my name, yes.”

“As in the writer Lexa Woods.”

“Yes.”

Now Octavia is staring at her, too.  
“Lexa Woods? Bellamy has all of your books. He loves them.”

“Does he?”

“Hell, yes!”

Lexa looks back to where the kitchen is.  
“He never mentioned that.”

“Maybe he has a crush on you and that’s why he didn’t say anything.”  
Raven grins at her and Lexa shakes her head.

“I doubt that.”

“Why?”

The girl is relentless.  
“Because he knows that I am gay.”  
She feels that Clarke is looking at her, but she doesn’t seem to be surprised.

“Lexa, I brought you a beer.”  
Bellamy holds out the bottle and raises his eyebrows when everyone starts to laugh at him.

–---

“Do you regret it yet?”

“What?”

Clarke laughs at her.  
“Coming here.”

Lexa shakes her head.  
“No.”

She’s on her third beer by now and starts to feel pleasantly drunk. Clarke is still sitting next to her and once the awkward interrogation was done Lexa found out that Bellamy’s friends really are a nice bunch. 

Octavia is still intense, but Lexa kind of likes her. She is working at a martial arts studio and Lexa makes a mental note to hire her should she ever be in need of a bodyguard. Monty owns a small computer company and Jasper is freelancing in what seems to be everything from barista to dog walker. 

Raven is the most interesting of the four though. She has a degree from the MIT and is working with NASA. She has a brace on her left leg that looks like high-tech and when she catches Lexa looking at it she just smiles.

“I was mugged and caught a bullet. This is my souvenir.”

She doesn’t look like she wants Lexa to pity her so she just nods.

“Does it hurt?”

“No. I can’t feel it at all.”

Another nod.

“At least Clarke and I bonded over physical therapy.” 

Lexa makes it a point of not looking at Clarke, but she feels Clarke’s eyes on her.  
They haven’t talked much, mainly because Lexa is a little afraid she might make a fool of herself. But right now, after her third beer it might just be the time.

“So, Clarke, what do you do?”  
“In general or job-wise?”

Lexa smiles.  
“Both.”

“I am a doctor. But when I am not treating people’s colds I paint.”

“So you’re an artist?”

Clarke laughs.  
“Well, I dabble.”

“She does more than dabble. She’s a fucking genius.”

Raven leans forward and looks at Lexa. 

“We all tell her to stop with the people saving already and become the next van Gogh.”

Clarke laughs at her.  
“He was depressed and cut his ear off.”

“But!” Raven points her finger at Clarke. “The man could paint.”

Lexa grins at both of them. She has fun. Who would have guessed?  
She leans back and looks across the room. It’s still crowded, but it’s getting late and a few people have gone home. There is some soft music playing and Lexa feels nice.  
This, all of this is nice.

“So, you and Costia Ortiz …”

Well, it was nice for as long as it lasted.  
She looks up and sees that Jasper is watching her. 

“What about us?”

“Is she your girlfriend? I mean, I read the paper today and you were with her at her premiere, so … I guess … I am just wondering.”

Lexa realizes that Clarke is looking at her, too. Again, she doesn’t seem surprised. 

“Costia and I have only known each other for a few weeks. She is nice and I like to hang out with her, but that’s about it.”

Jasper looks at her with wide eyes.  
“But … she’s Costia Ortiz!”

Lexa can’t help, but smile.  
“I do realize that.”

“She’s like … the up and coming movie star!”

“Another fact that I am well aware of.”

She is laughing now, because Jasper clearly is drunk. He falls back into the armchair he is sitting in.  
“Damn! Costia Ortiz.”

Lexa looks at Clarke who is watching her with her eyebrows raised.  
“There is a lot more to you than you let on this morning.”

Lexa smiles and nods.  
“Why don’t you let me try again: Hi! I am Lexa Woods, writer of novels, financially stable, self-proclaimed nerd, mostly awkward when it comes to talking to people, and according to the press currently dating Costia Ortiz, the movie star. It is nice to meet you.”

Clarke stares at her for a second, then she starts to laugh and gets up to get another beer.

–---

The music changes and it takes Lexa exactly four notes to recognize the song. A smile crawls up her face. She hasn’t been listening to Guns N’ Roses in a long time.  
Soon the fingers of her right hand move in a familiar rhythm and she realizes that they are mimicking the pattern of the notes. Her left hand is tapping the rhythm of the chord changes.  
“Sweet Child O’ Mine”. She loves that song.

She looks up and sees that Monty is looking at her hands. He seems to know what she is doing, but she still feels the need to explain. 

“I used to play that song a long time ago.”

“You were in a band?”

“In high school. I played the guitar” She laughs. “I don’t think we were any good.”

He grins and nods. A second later his eyes light up like he just had the most brilliant of ideas. He looks at Bellamy, who is sitting on the floor next to him.  
“Should we?”

Bellamy seems to know what he means, because he smiles and gets up, extending a hand to Lexa to pull her up, too.  
“Follow me.”

She’s confused.  
“Follow you where?”

He grins at her.  
“Just trust me, Lexa.”

She takes his hand and sees that Jasper gets up, too. He seems excited.

“Can I come?”  
Clarke is standing in front of them and looks at Bellamy. He nods.  
“Sure, Princess.”

Lexa has no idea what’s going on, but she follows the boys to the hall and down a staircase to the basement. Clarke is the last one on the stairs and closes the door behind her. Lexa briefly wonders if this is how a horror story might begin, but laughs it off.  
Downstairs she understands. There is a drum set in one corner of the room and on the walls there is an assortment of guitars and bass guitars.

“You guys have a band?”

Bellamy laughs.  
“Well, not really. We just like to jam once in a while and I like to play the drums so I had this room soundproofed.”

Monty takes a guitar off the wall and hands it to Lexa.  
It’s a Les Paul, an original, not a cheap knock-off like the one she bought when she was eighteen and still owns. She takes it and puts the guitar strap over her head.  
The Les Paul is heavy, but it feels nice. She walks over to one of the amps and plugs it in.  
Bellamy smiles at her.

“Would you like to try it?”

Lexa grins and nods. She is just drunk enough to want to.  
She hits the switch of the amp and tunes the guitar.  
Bellamy sits down behind the drums. Jasper takes a guitar and Monty is on bass.  
She looks at him.

“Bass? I would have picked you for a guitar player.”

He laughs and shakes his head.  
“No, I’m a rhythm guy … and I sing.”

Jasper grins.  
“He’s basically Sting.”

“I wish I was.”  
Monty grins, too, and walks over to the microphone.

Lexa looks at Clarke who sits on one of the big amps and watches her, smiling.  
“So, are you guys just going to talk or will there be actual music?”

Bellamy laughs at her and counts till four, setting the rhythm.  
Lexa’s fingers know exactly what to do. She plays the lick and smiles when the others join in. It sounds good. She missed this. 

When Monty starts to sing his voice is nothing like that of Axl Rose. It’s way softer, but it sounds nice. In the second chorus Lexa walks over to the mic and joins in. 

The guitar solo is exactly as she remembers. It’s soft and a little sad and melodic at first and turns into a hard rock thing a little later. She grins when she realizes that she’s nodding her head to the rhythm and her ponytail loosens. She closes her eyes and just gives into the music.  
When they finish she hears applause. She looks up and sees Clarke, but also most of the other party guests. She doesn’t know when they joined them, but she doesn’t care. She feels the adrenaline kicking in her veins and she realizes how much she missed feeling like this.  
This alive.

“So, you’re not only a writer, but a rock star, too?”  
Clarke looks at her with a smile and it makes Lexa’s stomach flutter.

“I don’t think I am. There are like five songs that I know.”

“Well, I can tell you, you definitely have this one down.”

–---

It is almost 3 a.m. when Lexa decides that is is time to leave.  
Clarke is still sitting next to her on the couch, talking to Raven, and Lexa doesn’t know if she should ask her for her number. She really wants to, but she has never been good at this.  
She takes a look at her watch and gets up.

“Guys, I think it’s time for me to go. It was nice meeting all of you.”

Bellamy stands up, too.  
“Maybe we can all hang out again? Or maybe you’d like to jam again some time?”  
He looks at her.  
“Maybe if you gave me your number ...”

Raven grins.  
“See?! He has a crush on you.”

“I do not!”  
Bellamy blushes and looks at Lexa like he just insulted her.  
“I mean … it’s not like there would be anything wrong with you ...”

Lexa laughs at him.  
“It’s fine, Bellamy. You don’t have to be embarrassed. There are a million people who don’t have a crush on me. Give me your phone.”

He does and she types in her number.

Now it’s Clarke’s turn to get up.  
“I’ll go, too. See you guys tomorrow.”

She picks up her cane and her bag and looks at Lexa.  
“Care to walk me out?”

Lexa simply nods and Bellamy sits down again.  
“Bye guys.”

“Bye.”

–---

It is cold outside and Lexa pulls up her scarf.  
Clarke tries to get the strap of her bag over her head, but it gets caught.  
Before she can strangle herself Lexa is there to help her, her fingers briefly touching the skin on her neck and it makes Clarke hold her breath.  
She looks at her.

“I would like to see you again.”

“Me, too.”

It is as simple as that, but also as complicated.  
Lexa smiles.  
“Will you give me your number?”

“Should I? You’re dating a movie star.”

“I do.”  
Lexa looks at her. Clarke’s eyes are the blue ocean.  
“… But it’s complicated.”

All of a sudden Clarke leans in and kisses her cheek.  
Her lips leave a burning mark on Lexa’s skin.

“Well, I guess you will have to sort that out then.”  
Clarke grabs her cane with newfound resolve and walks down the stairs.  
On the ground level she looks back at Lexa who is still standing on top.

“You know where to find me.”

She smiles at her and leaves.  
Lexa stays on the top of the stairs, dumbfounded, watching Clarke until she rounds the next corner, vanishing out of Lexa's sight. It is only then that she remembers to breathe.


	3. Chapter 3

“Did you have good night?”

“Hm.”

“How good?”

“Sorry?”

Lexa looks up and watches Anya as she waters her plants. She always waters them when she’s at Lexa’s place, because she knows Lexa usually forgets to.

“It’s rare for you to go out, let alone on your own. I saw the photos from Costia’s premiere. You look like someone forced you to go with a loaded weapon.”

“Don’t be overdramatic, Anya. It was just one bad photo.”

“Seven. And that’s just the papers I saw.”

Lexa sighs.  
“So I didn’t have fun. It’s not like there is a law against that.”

Anya sets down the watering can and carefully turns one of the pots around to make sure the plant gets more daylight.  
“No there isn’t. But if you’re not having fun why are you going to these things?”

“Costia asked me to.”

“Just like Costia is responsible that you still haven’t finished the chapters you promised me?”

Lexa rubs her eyes. Anya has a point and she knows it. She should have finished the chapters by now, but something … or someone keeps her busy.

“It’s not entirely her fault. I could just say no.”

“Yes, but you don’t. But when you’re spending time with her you don’t seem happy either. What is it, Lex? Do you like the girl or don’t you?”

“I do like her, but I am not sure if I ‘like’ like her.”

Anya stares at her like she has a really bad case of stupid.  
“If you don’t know that, it’s probably a no. You might want to think about that.”

Lexa knows she’s right. She knows, because she’s had this particular argument with herself a few times already. At least twice today.

“I know.”

“You know what?”

“I just know. Can we leave it at that?”

Anya studies her for a second, before she nods. She knows her cousin. There is no point in trying to convince Lexa. She has to make up her mind on her own, but Anya knows Lexa isn’t head over heels for Costia. It is plain to see. Also, Anya is pretty sure that Lexa has never been head over heels for anybody.

“So, what about this party? It was nice?”

“Yes.”

“Did you meet people?”

“Yes, I did. In fact, I even made music with some of them.”

Now Anya is all ears.  
“Music? As in you played the guitar? I always loved listening to you play.”

Lexa looks at her.  
“Yes, Anya, as in playing the guitar … and maybe some singing …”

Anya grins.  
“Okay, exactly how drunk were you?”

“Not that drunk.”

“If you weren’t drunk, who did you want to impress?”

“No one.”  
Her answer comes too fast again. She really has to work on that.

“No one, huh? Does this no one have a name?”

Lexa sighs. She knows Anya. She is like a bloodhound.  
Once she’s picked up a trail she is relentless. 

Lexa hesitates, but Anya just keeps staring at her, so she says the name that has been on her mind the whole day anyway: “Clarke.”  
It tastes like rich dark chocolate on her lips.

“Clarke? Isn’t that a boy’s name?”

“Not in this particular case.”

“Hm.”

“What’s ‘Hm’ supposed to mean?”

“It means that you just blushed when you said the name. It means that you like this girl.”

“I didn’t blush.”

Anya laughs.  
“Oh, but you did.”

Lexa tries to focus on the screen in front of her.  
“Listen, I am almost done with the last chapter, but I promised Costia to meet her today.”

Anya groans and Lexa rolls her eyes at her.  
“You promised not to say anything.”

“And I didn’t.”

“Your ‘not saying anything’ is pretty loud.”

Anya walks over to her and puts her hands on Lexa’s shoulders.

“Listen, kiddo, I am your cousin and your manager. As you manager I tell you to please try and keep your deadlines. As your cousin and friend I beg you to clear the air with Costia … and find out if this Clarke person has any interest in you.”

“She does.”

“She does?”

“Yes.”

“Then what the hell are you waiting for?”

Right. What the hell is she waiting for?

 ----

“Wow, you really look like hell ...”

Bellamy rubs his temples and groans. He has a hangover and he hates it.  
Clarke on the other hand looks like life itself.

“Why are you so chipper? When did you leave?”

“About three a.m? Where’s O?”

“Probably still asleep. I would be, too, if the damn doorbell hadn’t kept ringing.”

He turns around and leaves Clarke at the door. She laughs.

“I brought breakfast.”

He stops.  
“What do you mean, you ‘brought’ breakfast?”

“Well, I brought rolls, muffins, bagels and eggs. I figured you have the rest.”

“Hm.”

He swallows. Breakfast seems like a good idea.  
“Okay, you make breakfast and I’ll try to answer your questions.”

Clarke looks at him.  
“What questions?”

He grins.  
“The questions about Lexa Woods you’re dying to ask me.  
That’s why you’re here, aren’t you?”

“I can’t just come around to bring you breakfast?”

She looks a little offended and he laughs at her.  
“No.”

Clarke sighs.  
“Fair enough. Follow me to the kitchen.”

She starts to get everything ready. She knows where the plates, forks and knives are and which mugs Bellamy and Octavia favor. She puts everything on the kitchen table and fills the coffee machine with water and ground coffee. Bellamy sits down, rests his elbows on the table and puts his head in his hands. He watches Clarke as she starts to prepare the eggs.

“So, what do you want to know?”

“Why do you think that I want to know anything?”

“Because of the way you looked at her. It’s the same way she looked at you, by the way.”

“She did?”

“Yes.”

“She’s with Costia Ortiz.”

“Didn’t sound too serious to me.”

“She was at her movie premiere. There are pictures.”

He laughs.  
“Yeah, but did you see her face?!”

Clarke grins.  
“Okay. I see your point. … Doesn’t change the fact that the woman is a fucking model and a movie star, though.”

She seasons the eggs with salt, pepper and paprika.  
“So … what do you know about Lexa?”

Bell tries to focus which is hard, considering that the drum solo in his head keeps playing on.  
“She’s 38. She’s a writer. A good one, I might add. I can lend you her books if you’d like.”  
Clarke nods.

“She’s been living in New York for about two months now. She’s the silent type, but nice. Comes into the coffee shop every other day to get a latte with one sugar, sometimes a Danish. I’ve never seen her with somebody. I think I read in an article that she has a cousin who’s her manager. Her parents died when she was a kid. Her aunt and uncle raised her.”

He thinks for a moment.  
“Well, I guess that’s all I can offer.”  
He grins.  
“That and her phone number.”

The kitchen smells like coffee and scrambled eggs by now and Bell realizes how hungry he is.  
There is motion in the hallway and a second later Octavia enters the room.  
She rubs her eyes and yawns.

“Clarke?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing here?”

“I made breakfast.”

Octavia nods and falls down in a chair next to her brother.  
“Did you go home with Lexa last night? Or am I imagining things?”

Clarke looks up.  
“The latter. We just walked out together.”

O’s face turns into a sleepy smile.  
“But you would have liked to go home with her.”

Clarke grins.  
“Shut up.”

Now both Blakes are grinning.  
Clarke tries her best to ignore them and puts the eggs and the coffee on the table. She doesn’t bother to search the fridge for milk. There is never any. The siblings take their coffee black.  
She grabs the sugar and takes a carton of milk from her bag.

“All set. Who’s hungry?”

Octavia looks at her.  
“Well, I most certainly am.”

Before she can take the first bite the doorbell rings and she groans.  
“What the hell?”

She gets up and answers the door. A second later Clarke and Bellamy hear squealing.  
Bellamy gets up without a word and takes one more plate and a mug from the cupboard.

“Seems like our hero is back in town.”

 ----

Lexa opens the door and looks at Costia and the unholy amount of paper bags she is carrying.  
“What the hell is that?”

Costia grins.  
“Take out.”

“Doesn’t look like it. It looks more like you raided Eataly … and a few other establishments.”

“I might have gone a little overboard, but I wanted something classy and you wanted take out. This is the compromise.”

She hands Lexa a bottle.  
“Can you put the champagne in the icebox for a second?”

Lexa takes the bottle and does as she is told.  
About five seconds ago she was determined to talk to Costia about their relationship. Now she wavers. How can she tell her that she isn’t in love with her when Costia just spent what seems like the monthly income of an average family to buy food for her? She sighs.

“Is your chapter done?”

“Almost. In fact, Anya was here this afternoon to remind me of my duties.”

“Duties?”  
Costia is standing pretty close right now.  
“I know other duties you should definitely fulfill.”

Lexa backs away the slightest bit and Costia sees it.  
She is good when it comes to interpreting body language. It’s part of her job.  
“What?”

Lexa doesn’t know how to answer. She has to clear her head.  
“Nothing. I’m just a little tired. I’ve been writing all day.”

Costia looks at her like she isn’t quite sure she believes her, but she lets it slide anyway.  
“How was the party?”

“It was fun. I met a few people, drank a few beers and made some music.”

“You play an instrument?”

Lexa looks at her with her eyebrow raised.  
“You’ve seen my guitar?”

Costia laughs.  
“Yeah, but I always thought it had a more decorative purpose.”

She opens the bags and starts to put the food on the table. And there is so much food. 

“Really, Costia, who is going to eat all of this?”

“I might. I’m hungry.”  
She is right. For someone as thin as her she really can eat.  
Lexa takes out plates, forks and knives and puts them on the table while Costia lights a candle.

“Anya doesn’t like me, does she?”

“Anya doesn’t like anyone and she doesn’t know you.”

“But she told you to stop hanging out with me.”

Lexa stops what she is doing.  
“Anya would never tell me anything like that. She is concerned, because I don’t put enough effort in my work and she is right.”

She sits down and sighs.  
Costia sits down across from her.  
“What is it, Lexa? Something is wrong. It’s been wrong for over a week now and I can’t stand it anymore.”

She is so beautiful and sweet. It breaks Lexa’s heart. She feels the tears in her eyes and curses herself for it.  
“I am sorry. I don’t know … I just don’t know.”

Costia looks at her.  
“You don’t love me.”

Love. The word has never come up before. It’s a pretty big word. A scary word.  
“I don’t know how that feels, Cos. I’ve never been in love.”

Costia looks at her like she just said the silliest thing she has ever heard.  
“You’ve never been in love? That’s simply impossible!”

Lexa sighs.  
“It’s very much possible.”

“But the people in your books fall in love all the time.”

“They do.”

“But you don’t know how that feels?”

“No.”

“So, you’re faking it?”

“Yes.”

Costia stares at her now.  
“You really don’t know how love feels?”

“No.”  
Lexa is aware that she is repeating herself, but it is the truth. She doesn’t know how it feels. She knows what attraction feels like and she has cared for people, but love? The sort of love songs are about … she doesn’t know that. 

Costia studies her like she tries to find out if she’s telling the truth.  
“You don’t love me?”

Lexa remains motionless on her chair.  
“No. … I am sorry.”

Costia doesn’t look angry, she looks hurt.  
“And you don’t think that can change?”

Lexa shakes her head. She really doesn’t. 

“Is there somebody else?”

Lexa was afraid of this question, mainly because she doesn’t know how to answer it.  
She looks at Costia and doesn’t want to hurt her even more. She decides to tell her the truth.  
“I don’t know how to answer that.”

“So there is somebody.”

“She doesn’t have anything to do with this. I have only met her yesterday.”

“She was at the party?”

“Yes.”

Now Costia’s expression turns from hurt to anger.  
“Did you sleep with her?”

“No.”

“Did you kiss her?”

“No.”

“Then how do you know she is worth throwing away what we have?”  
She almost screams the last sentence at her.

Lexa sighs.  
“This is not about her, Costia. It’s about us. It’s about you getting emotionally involved while I am not.”

She briefly reaches for Costia’s hand, but stops the second she realizes what she’s doing.  
“I care for you, Cos. I really do, but I am not in love with you. And you deserve someone who is.”

There are tears now. On both sides and Costia wipes hers away angrily.  
“How can you be so sure about this?”

“I am not sure of anything, Cos. I just know that it doesn’t feel right. You and me. It doesn’t feel right.”

“But you and this woman does?”

Lexa thinks about the little beauty mark above the left corner of Clarke’s mouth, about her smile and the color of her eyes and her answer surprises even herself.  
“Yes.”

Costia looks at her for a long while. She studies her like it’s her intention to burn Lexa’s image into her memory. After what feels like an eternity she gets up.  
“You know what, Lexa? The way you just smiled, the way you look when you think about her … that’s how love feels.”

“Costia …”

“Please, don’t … I don’t want your pity, Lexa. All I want is for you to look that way when you think about me … but that’s not going to happen, is it?”

She straightens her back and moves around the table.  
“I will leave for Mexico on Friday. Maybe when I come back we can talk. Maybe we can be friends, but right now I have to go. I have to go and not see you, because if I stay it will break me. If I stay …”

She leans down and kisses Lexa’s cheek. Her lips linger for a moment and Lexa feels Costia’s tears mix with her own.  
“Don’t forget to take the champagne out of the cooler.”

She puts her hand on Lexa’s shoulder for a second before she leaves.


	4. Chapter 4

“Damn, girl! You really are all or nothing, aren’t you?”  
Anya fills two glasses with champagne. She has also eaten a lot of the food.   
She sees no reason to let good food go to waste.

Lexa just looks at her. She isn’t hungry. She just broke somebody’s heart. 

“So are you going to meet this Clarke girl now?”

“Don’t you think there should be a little break between dating people?”

“Nope.”  
Anya grins. She has never been particularly shy when it comes to dating.  
“You have to get back on the horse.”

“I thought you wanted me to write?”

Anya looks at her.  
“The way you’re looking right now I don’t want you anywhere near a keyboard. You’d probably kill off your best character just to punish yourself.”

Lexa takes her glass and drinks the champagne. It’s good. It’s expensive. She shouldn’t be drinking it. It’s made for celebrations. She should be drinking shots. Something to make her forget about how she feels. She may not have been in love with Costia, but she’s definitely feeling like shit right now.

“You’re right. I shouldn’t be writing. I should be drinking.”  
She gets up and walks to the cupboard. There is some whiskey left.   
She looks at Anya, silently asking her if she wants some, too, but Anya shakes her head.

“Kiddo, this is champagne. The good stuff. I’ll stick to this.”

Lexa nods and gets a glass for herself. She fills it and sits back down, keeping the bottle close by.

“Are you sure you don’t want to eat something first?”  
Anya looks at her with a concern.  
“I know you feel shitty right now, but it was the right decision, Lex. You know that it was.”

Lexa stares at the glass and nods.  
“I know.”  
She drinks. It doesn’t make her feel better.  
She fills the glass again.  
“I shouldn’t have let it come this far. I knew she was falling for me. I should have stopped seeing her.”

“Maybe. But Costia is a grown woman. She knew what she was getting into.”

“She didn’t know I have never been in love …”

“So you keep saying.”

“I am telling the truth.”

She looks at Anya.  
“You have known me my whole life. Have you ever seen me in a state that you would consider ‘being in love’”?

Anya thinks for a while, then she shakes her head.  
“Probably not.”

They drink in silence for a while. At some point Anya puts the rest of the food in Lexa’s fridge. She knows Lexa will punish herself and she can do nothing about that, but keep her company and make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid. She watches her have one drink after another and at whiskey number six Lexa is drunk enough not to argue when she takes away the bottle. She pulls her out of the chair and almost carries her to the bedroom. 

She doesn’t bother to get the woman out of her jeans. She just lets her fall onto the bed and pulls the covers over her. Lexa growls a little.  
Anya walks back to the kitchen and gets a bottle of water and an aspirin and puts both items on the nightstand.

She looks at her cousin and sighs. She doesn’t know why it is so complicated for Lexa just to be happy for once in a while. It’s like her mind never stops running worst case scenarios. Like she always expects something bad to happen. For her to be left alone. Maybe that is why she never fully invests in a relationship. Maybe that is why Lexa seems so damn sad all the time. 

She bows down and kisses Lexa’s forehead.   
“Sleep now, dummy.”

She walks out of the room and closes the door behind her. She will stay on the couch. 

\----

Lexa wakes up to the sound of her phone buzzing. Or maybe it is her head that’s buzzing. She isn’t sure.   
She tries to sit up, but the world is spinning faster than usual or maybe she is just slower.   
She stays on her back for a little while longer and stares at the ceiling. Maybe she should paint it some day.

When she reaches for the phone it has stopped buzzing. She looks at it. It’s a message from Anya checking up on her, telling her to drink water and take the aspirin on her nightstand.   
She does and waits for it to make the pain go away. She really shouldn’t have drunk that much. Why did she drink that much?

Costia. 

It comes back to her now and a different kind of pain makes her groan. At least she doesn’t feel sick, but that’s as good as it gets.

She looks at her alarm clock. It’s 10 a.m.   
She gets up, takes a shower and puts on jeans and a shirt before she leaves the house. The fresh air usually helps when she has a hangover.  
She thinks she is walking around aimlessly, but somehow her feet have their own idea about that and when she looks up she is standing right in front of Bellamy’s coffee shop. He is watching her through the big glass windows and waves for her to come in. She sighs.

“Jeez, Lexa, you look … pale.”

She glances up at him and knows exactly how she looks. Pale is a very flattering description.  
“You can say it like it is. I look like crap.”

He grins and turns to fill a cup with coffee that he places on the counter in front of her.   
He adds milk and one sugar and carefully pushes the cup a little further in her direction.  
“Take this and tell me why it is you look like crap? Bad night?”

“Yes.”  
She picks up the cup and has a sip. The coffee tastes heavenly.   
She looks around, but the shop is empty. Bellamy smiles.

“You’re too late to meet Clarke. Her shift usually starts at eight.”

She nods and he looks at her.  
“Why don’t you sit down, Lexa?”

She does. She’s too tired to argue and maybe there is a reason that she came here. Just maybe.  
Bellamy walks around the counter and sits down across from her.   
“So, what happened to you?”

She wonders if she should tell him. For some people an actress and a writer breaking up is news and he could sell it, but she knows he won’t.   
He’s a decent guy.  
“I broke up with Costia.”

He nods.  
“Because of Clarke?”

She looks up.  
“No. Because I … I wasn’t. It wasn’t … It felt like the right thing to do.”

“You’re not in love with her?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

Lexa looks at him.  
“Why did you ask if it was because of Clarke?”

He smiles and has a déjà vu when he utters his next sentence.  
“Because of the way you looked at her.”

“How did I … What are you talking about?”

He laughs at her.  
“Lexa, come on. I could see the sparks fly from the second you first saw her. You like Clarke and fortunately for you she seems to like you, too. Don’t make this complicated.”

She stares at him. How can this not be complicated?  
“I hardly know her.”

“So?”

“I’m just saying that I didn’t break up with Costia, because I am interested in Clarke.”

“That’s not the point.”

“What do you think is the point?”

He grins.  
“The point is that you like Clarke and Clarke likes you. The point is that it’s clear to see and no matter what you do, it’s going to happen. … Do you believe in fate, Lexa?”

“No.”  
She shakes her head.

He grins even more.  
“Well, I do. Give me your phone.”

“Why?”

“Just trust me, Woods.”

She does. She doesn’t know why, but she trusts him, and so she puts her phone in his hands. He adds a number.

“Don’t be an idiot, Lexa, and call her.”

He points at the coffee.  
“It’s on the house.”

\----

Lexa sits on her couch and stares at the phone like it is supposed to do something.   
Only it can’t, because Clarke doesn’t have her number and Lexa hasn’t texted or called her yet. She wants to, but she doesn’t know what to say.   
And even if she does … if she texts her or calls her the ball will be rolling and she will be in uncharted territory. Lexa hates uncharted territory.   
She hates not knowing what will happen.  
She sighs.  
She still has a headache and she waits another fifteen minutes before she finally gets up, packs her things and goes to the gym. Maybe working out will help her clear her head.

She spends ten minutes on the treadmill to warm up, then she trains at a few of the machines before she gets to the weights. After about forty-five minutes she gets back on the treadmill and runs. She runs like she is fleeing from something and she can see that one of the trainers is looking at her like he wants to make sure she won’t collapse. 

She runs for thirty minutes, then she stops and tries to catch her breath.   
Her pulse is off the charts and she is soaked in sweat. She grabs her water bottle and drinks half of its content.   
When she walks back to the locker room she is still panting. She sits down on one of the benches and drinks her water, trying to calm her breath.   
She feels tired now, but it’s a good feeling. 

Instead of taking a shower she just puts her hoodie over her shirt, grabs her stuff and walks home. She will take a bath once she is there. 

“Lexa!”  
She is halfway home when she hears Clarke’s voice.   
Fuck.  
Lexa stops in mid-motion, awkwardly balancing on one leg. She is sweaty, her hair is a mess, she doesn’t wear make-up. She is not ready to meet Clarke.   
She still turns around.

“Hello, Clarke.”  
She looks at Clarke and smiles. Why does she always do that when she sees her? It’s an automatic reaction. She doesn’t think she has smiled so much in her whole life.

Clarke looks beautiful. Of course she does. She is wearing jeans and a blue jacket that highlights the color of her eyes. Her scarf is almost up to her ears.   
She walks over to Lexa, her cane leaving small puncture marks in the dirt.   
And Lexa just stands there waiting like she is a marble statue, frozen in time.

“It’s good to see you!”  
Clarke smiles and it seems genuine, but Lexa is still very self-conscious about her current appearance. Clarke looks at the bag in her hands and up at her.  
“Have you been to the gym?”

Lexa nods. She thinks it’s obvious. She looks like a hobo and probably smells like one, too.  
“Yes. I am sorry for what I must look like. I was on my way home to take a bath.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. It’s not like we had a date.”  
Clarke chuckles and Lexa blushes a little. She doesn’t know what to answer.

“Can I walk you home?”  
Clarke smiles at her and Lexa stares to the ground. Clarke doesn’t seem to realize that this question makes her heart speed up again.  
“I mean, we can stand here and talk, but I don’t want you to get a cold.”

Lexa doesn’t know how to react, but she nods anyway.  
“Okay.”

She makes a few steps and when she realizes Clarke is indeed following her she makes some more and tries to relax.

“So, where were you headed?”  
“Home. I just got off work.”

“Did you have a good day at work?”  
“Yes. No emergencies. Mostly people with colds.”

Lexa looks at her.  
“Don’t you get sick? I probably wouldn’t survive a day in your job.”

Clarke laughs.  
“I never get sick. … But you should really get out of these wet clothes.   
How far is it to your place?”

Lexa stops and points at the house in front of them.  
“It’s right here.”

They stand there for a while, both not knowing what to do or say.   
Lexa looks at Clarke and back at the entrance door, trying to make up her mind.

“Listen …”  
“I should …”

They both speak at the same time and it’s awkward and it makes them laugh.   
Clarke gives a small bow.  
“You first.”

Lexa nods. Why not.  
“Clarke, I was wondering if you would like to … go out with me sometime?   
You said I needed to sort things out first and I did. So …”

“You did?”  
Clarke looks at her and seems surprised.

“Yes.”

“You broke up with Costia?”

“Yes.”

“You broke up with Costia Ortiz?”

Lexa begins to wonder if Clarke’s hearing is impaired.

“Yes.”

Clarke stares at her.  
“I only said that two days ago.”

“Well, technically only one and a half, but yes.”

“You didn’t …? Because … I didn’t …”  
Clarke is all wide-eyed now and it takes Lexa a second to understand what it is exactly that she is asking.

“No! Oh, Clarke, no, it’s not just, because you said that. It was … it was a decision that I made. I made it a while ago. I just … no.”

Clarke stares to the ground and nods. Lexa doesn’t know if she looks relieved or disappointed. Maybe a little bit of both.   
She puts her bag from one hand to the other.  
“Listen, I have to go inside or I will really get sick, but … can I call you?”

Clarke looks up and smiles.   
“I would like that.”

“Then I will do that. Tomorrow?”

“That would be nice.”

Clarke smiles and Lexa feels something inside her stir. How weird.  
She nods and gets her keys out of her pocket.

“So, goodbye, Clarke?”

“Goodbye, Lexa.”

Clarke gives her another smile before she turns to leave. After a few steps she stops again.

“Wait. You don’t have my number!”

Lexa grins.  
“But I do.” 

Clarke raises her eyebrows in question. It takes her a few seconds to understand.  
“Bellamy.”

Lexa grins and nods.  
“Bellamy.”

\----

The water is hot and exactly what she needs. Lexa leans back and closes her eyes relishing the feeling of her muscles slowly relaxing.   
She needed that. The workout, this … her chance meeting with Clarke.   
She opens her eyes.

Clarke.

She has no idea what is going on. She meant every word when she told Costia that she has never been in love. So how is she supposed to know if this is what love feels like?

She pictures Clarke and feels her body tense a little bit, like her natural reaction to be faced with someone this beautiful is to be alarmed.  
Clarke is not beautiful in the way Costia is. It’s more like she posses the beauty of someone who is strong and determined and sure of her place in life.   
She seems to be … for the lack of a better word … “content”. 

That doesn’t mean Clarke is any less beautiful physically, of course.  
Lexa is muscular, but slim, while Clarke is … voluptuous.   
Lexa isn’t sure she’s ever even thought that word before and it makes her smile.  
She is sure that if she ever sees Clarke in a dress it might just kill her.

She takes a deep breath and dives under. She likes how all of the sounds are drowned out underwater. It’s peaceful.


	5. Chapter 5

“Pass me the salt, will you?”

Clarke is not even looking up and neither is Raven. She shoves the salt shaker in Clarke’s general direction, who picks it up and puts some salt onto her plate while she turns the page of the book with her other hand. She pushes her fork onto her plate without looking and when she brings it to her mouth it’s empty.  
A small growl comes out her mouth and Raven looks up from her mobile and grins.

“Maybe you should put down that book as long as you’re eating?”

“I can’t. I’m in the middle of the showdown.”

“Clarke, you do realize that it’s a book and not a movie, right?  
The story won’t go on without you if you put it down.”

Clarke frowns and nods.  
“Yeah, I know.”  
She puts the book down and eats. Her food is almost cold by now.

“What are you reading anyway?”  
Raven grabs the book and turns it around.

“’The Betrayal’ by Lexa Woods. It’s that bad, huh?”

“What do you mean?”  
Clarke manages to put the last of her peas onto the fork and carefully balances them into her mouth.

“You’re reading Lexa’s books.”

“So?”

“Just saying …”

Raven grins and puts the book back down.  
“So, is it any good?”

“It’s fucking brilliant. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything this fast.”

“Does that mean that you will spend the night reading? I was hoping we could hang out?”

Clarke doesn’t really know how to answer. She loves to spend time with Raven, but she really wants to finish the book.  
“Can I take a raincheck? Just this once?”

“So it is that bad!”  
Raven laughs.  
“Well, she dumped the movie star for you, so …”

“She didn’t dump anyone for me. … At least that’s what she said.”

“But you are planning on going out with her, aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

Clarke thinks about Lexa in her hoodie with her hair in a ponytail and it’s clear that her answer is a thousand times yes. She has no idea why, but even all sweaty and without makeup Lexa is still the most intriguing thing she’s ever seen.

“She said she would call.”

Raven looks at her.  
“Bellamy gave you her number, didn’t he?”

“Yes.”

“But you are still going to wait for her to call?”

“Yes.”

Raven sighs.  
“You’re a disgrace for feminism.”

“Lexa and I are both women. I fail to see what who calls whom first has to do with feminism?”

“What I mean is, that there is no reason whatsoever for you to wait and not call her yourself.”

Clarke considers this for a moment and Raven is probably right. But Lexa said she would call and she doesn’t want to blow it by coming across as too eager.

She shakes her head and picks up the book.  
“Yeah, I know, but she said she’d call.”

\----

At 10 p.m. Clarke is still sitting on her chair reading the last few pages of Lexa’s book. Raven went home hours ago and it’s getting late, but Clarke really wants to finish this. She turns the last page and feels a few tears rolling down her cheeks.  
The heroine dies. She hates this. She gives her life to save her lover, but Clarke still hates it. What the fuck, Lexa?  
She grabs her phone, opens her text messages and types.

\---

It’s 10.05 p.m. when Lexa picks up the phone. She doesn’t know why, but it is something that can best be described as some kind of magnetic pull that makes her do it. As soon as it’s in her hand it’s buzzing and shows a new message. She opens it.

CLARKE: “Why the hell did you kill Zoe?! You just made me cry!”

Lexa stares at the message for the longest time, trying to make sense out of what she’s reading. She didn’t kill anyone as far as she can remember.  
Who is Zoe? 

Suddenly it hits her. The heroine of her first book is called Zoe.  
And she is shot in the end. So Clarke is reading her books?  
She smiles and starts to type.

LEXA: “I am sorry if I am responsible for any pain you might feel, Clarke. It was my first book. I was young and didn’t know any better.”

Clarke reads the message and grins.

CLARKE: “At least you let her die in her lover’s arms. Not that this redeems you in any way.”

Lexa laughs and thinks about the best response to that.

LEXA: “In my defense: She dies a hero and her lover becomes the protagonist in the next book.”

CLARKE: “If it doesn’t start with Emma grieving properly I might be obligated to kick your ass.”

There is a moment without answer and for a second Clarke is afraid she might have taken the banter too far, but then her phone buzzes again.

LEXA: “It has a time jump … It’s a little hard to explain without giving spoilers. Maybe I could take you out to dinner to make amends for making you cry and we can discuss my work?”

Clarke looks at the message and smiles. Lexa is smooth.  
She thinks about her answer.

CLARKE: “To fully make it up to me there will have to be dessert, too …”  
LEXA: “Deal.”

Clarke smiles some more.  
CLARKE: “Does this conversation mean, that you won’t call me tomorrow?”

She stares at the little bubble indicating that Lexa is writing something.

LEXA: “Well, you started texting me, so technically I still owe you a call.”

Clarke frowns.  
CLARKE: “You don’t have to call …”

Lexa stares at the last message and curses herself. It sounds like she doesn’t want to call Clarke.

LEXA: “But I do want to call you. I would right now, but it’s getting late …”

Clarke looks at her watch. It’s her father’s and it’s very old, but she wouldn’t trade it in for anything.

CLARKE: “You’re right. I should go to sleep now. Will you call me tomorrow? I’ll be home at about 5 p.m.”

Lexa taps her fingers on her leg and thinks.

Clarke fears that she is moving too fast again, so she types a new message.

CLARKE: “To make arrangements for dinner?”

Lexa looks at the text and smiles.

LEXA: “Clarke, I would love to call you tomorrow. Even without making arrangements.  
Go to sleep now. Sweat dreams.”

Clarke looks at the message and smiles.

CLARKE: “Sweat dreams, Lexa Woods.”


	6. Chapter 6

“Since when are you the type that gets up early and delivers breakfast?”  
Anya takes a look at Lexa who is standing in her office, holding out a paper cup and a bag filled with muffins.

“Well, I couldn’t sleep.”

“You couldn’t sleep?”

“Is your hearing getting worse? I mean, you are a few years older than me …”

Lexa ducks when Anya throws her pen at her.

“I wanted to ask you something.”

“Shoot.”

“If you were to take someone out for dinner … where would you go?”

“So you are taking this Clarke girl out then?”

“I might …”

“And you want some place romantic?”

“I want a place with good food, that’s not too fancy and a good spot if you want to talk with someone.”

“So no french cuisine and no diner then?”  
Anya laughs at her, especially when she sees Lexa frown.  
“Does she like Italian food?”

“Anya, who doesn’t like Italian food?”

“All the girls who have sworn off carbs.”  
She looks at Lexa.  
“Please, tell me she’s not one of them?”

Lexa thinks about it for a second before she shakes her head.  
“She had lots of breadsticks at Bellamy’s party.”

Anya grins.  
“Good. Because you should never trust a girls who doesn’t eat carbs.”

“Okay, now that you’ve established your ground rules … can you help me out?  
I don’t know where to go around here.”

“That is, because you never go out.”

“Duly noted.”  
Lexa picks a particularly tasty looking muffin from the back and hands it to Anya.  
“Pretty please?”

Anya takes a bite and groans.  
“These are tasty!”

“Did you think I’d buy you cheap ones? These are top quality.”  
Lexa takes a muffin from the bag.  
“Talking about going out … Whatever happened to this girl you were dating? Michelle?”  
She takes a bite and it really tastes heavenly.

“We decided not to see each other again.”  
Anya doesn’t look at her which usually means there is more to the story.

“And that was a mutual decision?”

“More or less.”

“Hm.”

“What is ‘Hm’ supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.”

“Lexa!”

Lexa grins.  
“Well, you’re always ranting about my love life and I’m just saying that your track record isn’t so great either. Before Michelle there was Anna. She was nice, but you didn’t like her cat so you made a run for it. Before that there was … Isabelle. That was her name right? What was wrong with her again?”

“She made weird noises while she ate.”

Lexa stares at Anya.  
“Really? That was your reason to quit? … And you’re criticizing my life choices?”

Anya looks at her.  
“There is a difference, little one. Wanna know what it is?”

“Enlighten me.”

“I was in love. For a while. At least I thought so. I gave it my all and then one day I woke up and it was gone.”

“But shouldn’t real love last a lifetime?”

“It should. And I hope it does … once I found the right person. When it comes to you, up until a few days ago I would have sworn that you will never find that person, because your so hellbent on not giving your heart away.”  
She eats the last piece of muffin and continues talking with her mouth still full.  
“But then again it seems like someone might have busted through your defenses.”  
She sees Lexa blush and grins.  
“Ahh, don’t be embarrassed! It’s kind of adorable.”  
She leans forward and points her finger at her cousin.  
“And don’t you dare follow my example and mess this up!” 

\----

“What are you going to wear?”

“She hasn’t even called yet.”

“She will. So what are you going to wear?”

“Raven, we’ll probably go out on Saturday. I have plenty of time to find an outfit.”

Raven looks at her.  
“You know exactly what you are going to wear, don’t you?”

Clarke grins.  
“I might.”

She gets up and opens her wardrobe to present Raven with her choice of clothes.  
It is a simple black dress, high-necked, but leaving her arms bare. She knows that it leaves her knees bare, too, and Lexa will be able to see the scars, but she doesn’t mind. She is confident that the dress itself will catch her eyes and make her look elsewhere.

“You will wear the silver earrings with that? The ones that look like little trees?”  
Raven looks at her.

“They don’t look like trees, Raven.”

“Yeah, they do, but they are beautiful.”  
Raven smiles.  
“Lexa will totally dig it. I would’t be surprised if you got laid, Griffin.”

She sees Clarke blush and laughs.  
“Really? It’s that bad?”

“I like her, you know.”

“You’ve only met her a few days ago.”

“I know, but it feels like I know her … maybe I knew her in a different life.”

Raven looks at her.  
“Clarke, you don’t believe in shit like this.”

“… When it comes to Lexa I might.”

Clarke’s phone starts to ring and when Raven sees the caller ID she raises an eyebrow.  
“Okay, this is a little creepy.”

Clarke grins and takes the call.  
“Hi Lexa! You kept your promise.”

Lexa laughs.  
“I usually do. … I hope I am not calling at a bad time?”

“No, your timing is perfect.”  
Clarke grins at Raven who sticks out her tongue and leaves for the kitchen.  
“So, what are you up to, Lexa?”

“The usual. I am writing. I have to finish two more chapters until Friday.”

“Isn’t it part of the creative process to ignore deadlines?”  
Clarke chuckles.

“Well, I have ignored my deadlines for quite a while now and I really have to come up with something or my editor will be … less than pleased.”

“And are you going to make it? … If this call is interrupting your … process or whatever you call it …”

She hears Lexa laugh and it makes the butterflies in her stomach go wild.  
“No, Clarke, it’s fine. I wanted to call you. You’re not interrupting anything … What are you up to tonight?”

“I am going to hang out with Raven. I kinda cancelled on her yesterday, because I wanted to finish your book, so …”

“I am sorry about that, by the way. I didn’t want to make you sad.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Lexa. It’s your story … and you wrote it ages ago.”

“That’s true, but still … I promised to make it up to you and I will.”

Clarke smiles.  
“So your offer to take me out to dinner still stands?”

“Yes, of course. I even found a nice restaurant. I made a reservation for Saturday at seven thirty. Is that okay? I would pick you up at seven … if you trust me with your address, that is.”

“Of course. I mean, you are killing people for a living, but I hope you’re more civil in real life.” Clarke laughs. “I’ll text you the address, okay?”

“That would be perfect. So seven on Saturday?”

“Yes.”

“Great.” 

Lexa is beaming which is something she isn’t used to at all and she is quite happy that Clarke can’t see her right now.

“I don’t want to keep you from entertaining Raven …”

“You’re not. She is a big girl and she knows where the beer is, so she’ll be fine.”

“Hey! I heard that!”

Lexa hears Raven’s voice in the background and grins.  
“No, really, Clarke. I don’t want to get on Raven’s bad side … She scares me.”

Clarke chuckles.  
“I better not tell her this. It would boost her ego way too much. … But I guess, you’re right. I have to make sure she doesn’t drink all the beer.”

“So you’re going to text me your address?”

“And you’re going to pick me up?”

“Yes.”

“I’m looking forward to that …”

“Me, too …”

They both smile and there is silence, but it’s not awkward.

“Oh dammit! Hang up already, Griffin! You’re not a bloody teenager!”  
Raven’s voice comes across as clear as day now and Lexa laughs out loud.

“Okay, I guess, this is my cue. Have a great evening, Clarke. I’ll see you on Saturday.”

“You, too, Lexa. See you on Saturday.”

Clarke waits until Lexa has ended the call before she turns to Raven.  
“What the hell, Raven?”

“What? You were staring at the wall, grinning like an idiot and saying nothing. If you don’t talk to her you can as easily have a drink with me.”

“I might have said something … eventually.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know …”

“That’s exactly my point.”

Raven hands her a beer and Clarke takes it.  
“So what’s up with O?”

“She hasn’t been seen since loverboy is back in town.”  
Raven takes a gulp.

Clarke laughs.  
“Poor Bellamy is probably sleeping in the sound-proofed room of his.”

Raven sits down on the couch and puts her feet on the coffee table.  
“I think he’s staying at Gina’s”

“Do you think we will ever meet this mysterious woman? He never talks about her.  
He never brings her around, but he spends quite some time with her.”

“I have no idea what’s going on there. Either it’s nothing serious or it is and he’s afraid we might blow it. … Like we would ever do that.”

Clarke falls down next to her.  
“We would never ever do that!”  
She turns on the TV and they drink their beers.

“Clarke?”

“Yes?”

“Do you think … do you think I will ever find someone again?”

Clarke is perplexed. She turns her head to look at Raven.  
“Raven …”

“Maybe not someone like him, but … you know, just someone?”

Clarke puts her arm around her friend and hugs her.  
“Yes, Raven. I am absolutely positive that you will find someone.”

“Is Lexa that someone for you?”

“I don’t know, Raven.”

“Does it feel like it did with Finn?”

They haven’t talked about him in ages. It’s always been a topic they try to avoid.  
The fact that he left Raven for Clarke, almost ruining their friendship, and especially the fact that he died, leaving both of them heartbroken.

“No, Raven. It feels different. … I can’t explain it.”

Raven looks up at her and Clarke can see the unshed tears in her eyes.  
She kisses her cheek.  
“You will find someone, Raven. Someone who will love you more than anything else.  
Hell, even more than I do.”

Raven grins.  
“And you do love me, right, Griffin?”

“Sure do.”

“Then I guess, everything is good in the world.”


	7. Chapter 7

LEXA: “I googled you address. You’re basically my neighbor!”

CLARKE: “Yes, I know. Isn’t it weird that we haven’t seen each other before?”

LEXA: “Not really. You’re working when I get my coffee and I don’t go out that much.”

CLARKE: “How come?”

LEXA: “ … I don’t know. It’s not fun when you’re on your own, I guess.”

CLARKE: “You didn’t go out with Costia?”  
CLARKE: “Sorry, you don’t have to answer that.”

LEXA: “It’s okay. … It’s also no fun to go out and be recognized by everyone.  
Fans, photographers … It kills the mood.”

CLARKE: “I understand.”

LEXA: “I should probably warn you that it is possible that people recognize me when we go out. It’s usually not that bad – I am only a writer –, but it could happen. Is that a problem?”

CLARKE: “I haven’t thought about that, but I guess it’ll be fine.”

LEXA: “Are you sure?”

CLARKE: “Yes, I am sure.”

LEXA: “Good. … You should probably go to sleep now. It’s late.”

CLARKE: “I probably should. … Are you still writing?”

LEXA: “Yes.”

CLARKE: “Killed anyone yet?”

LEXA: “I might have …”

CLARKE: “Have you ever written anything else? Anything without people dying?”

LEXA: “Like a love story?”

CLARKE: “Something like that.”

LEXA: “… I might have written … fanfiction at some point.”

CLARKE: “WHAT? Tell me it was smut!”

LEXA: “You’re making me blush, Clarke.”

CLARKE: “I am sorry! I am completely calm now. What kind of fanfiction?”

LEXA: “Still blushing … Okay, it might have been … smut.”  
LEXA: “Clarke? Are you still there?”

CLARKE: “I am sorry. I’m still recovering from this. … Can I read it some day?”

LEXA: “Hell no!”

CLARKE: “Please?”

LEXA: “… Maybe one day. If I am drunk enough … Now go to sleep!”

CLARKE: “Yes, Ma’am! … Sweat dreams, Lexa.”

LEXA: “Sweat dreams to you, too.”

\----

“Come on, Griffin! You’ve been texting Lexa for three days now. You will see her tomorrow. Can’t you just put down your phone for a minute and honor us with your presence?”

Clarke sighs and puts her phone face-down on the table.  
“Okay, O. I put it down. Now what’s so important that it couldn’t wait?”

Octavia looks at her and Raven and beams.  
“I’m getting married!”

“O! That’s fantastic!”  
Clarke gets up to hug her immediately.

“It was about time Lincoln proposed!”  
Raven grins.

“Why do you think that he proposed?”

“Octavia?!”

“What? I was tired of waiting.”

Raven slaps her on the back.  
“That’s my girl, all grown up and feminist. … Have you set a date yet?”

“No. It was all very … sudden.”

“So you don’t have a ring either?”

“Raven, which part of sudden didn’t you understand?”

Clarke laughs.  
“Jeez, Rae, let her breath and stop the interrogation. … But really, O, what did Lincoln say when you asked him?”

“Not much. … He might have cried.”  
Octavia laughed and Raven stared at her.

“Soldier boy cried?”

“Yes.”

“Wow!”

Clarke looks at her friends and while she knows Raven loves Octavia and is happy for her she can also see the same pain she had seen in her eyes a few days ago. Raven feels lonely and she completely understands. She’s been feeling lonely for quite some time, too.

“So are we going to celebrate now or what?”  
Clarke puts one arm around each of her friends, trying to lighten the mood and get Raven out of the place she’s in right now.

Raven nods.  
“I’d be down. O?”

“I’m always up for a beer or two.”

\----

Clarke sits on her bed. It’s late, but she can’t bring herself to sleep.  
She doesn’t know what is keeping her awake. Maybe it’s the fact that Octavia is getting married or maybe the fact that Raven is so sad.  
She opens the drawer of her nightstand and picks up the picture frame.  
She hasn’t looked at it in months, but can’t bring herself to throw it away either. 

Finn is smiling at her in the photo. It was taken in Central Park about a year after they had met. The sun is shining, the sky is blue and everything looks perfect, especially the boy with the kind eyes. 

She feels a tear roll down her cheek. 

The day Finn died had been as perfect as the one in the picture. They had been out to dinner and on their way home they had stopped at one of the 24/7 stores to get a carton of milk for breakfast. 

Clarke didn’t see the guy come in. She didn’t realize that Finn had stopped and placed himself between her and the man with the gun. She didn’t understand what was happening until the shooting began.  
The store owner had a weapon and when he reached for it, the robber shot him.  
Then he turned around and shot Finn who was standing there with his arms raised. 

Clarke has no idea why, but when the man looked at her, gun still raised, something had changed. He stared at her for the longest time and Clarke couldn’t move. It felt like everything around her was frozen in time. She doesn’t remember breathing.  
It felt like an eternity until she heard the sirens and then man turned around and ran.

Finn had already been dead when she knelt down to check his pulse.

The tears are falling freely now. She knows she can’t stop them so she doesn’t try.  
She has no idea why she is the only one in the store who survived that night.  
Just as she has no idea why her father died in the car crash and she didn’t.  
She has no idea what is so special about her.

Sometimes it feels like parts of her did die on both occasions.  
But while the car crash left her marked by scars the night Finn died left her intact … at least physically. Nobody knows about the nightmares, about the days she has to force herself to get up, about the anxiety that sets in when she has to enter a store.  
It’s been four years and she can still smell the gun powder.

She puts the frame back into the drawer and closes it. Some day she will have to deal with this, but not now. She has to sleep now. She has to stop crying or her eyes will be all red and puffy and she will make a hell of an impression on Lexa.

Lexa. There is a small sigh coming from her mouth and she has no idea what it means.  
Raven asked her if Lexa was the one and she has no idea. She can’t dismiss the thought though.

There have been … lovers … in her life in the last years, but never for more than a few nights. She never had the urge to get to know them. But Lexa … She feels different and the thought makes her smile.

She lies down and closes her eyes. Maybe it's not to late for her to love again. Just maybe ...


	8. Chapter 8

“Lexa, you are scaring me.”

Anya sits on Lexa’s bed and stares at the pile of shirts and pants that has formed there.  
Lexa has tried and dismissed them all.

“Why?

“Because this is the first time you’re acting like a girl.”

Lexa stops to give her a confused look.  
“I am a girl.”

“Yes, but usually you’re the type of girl who grabs a pair of jeans and a shirt and goes out. Not the one who spends hours to find the right outfit. Is there anything left in your wardrobe that you haven’t tried yet or do we need to go and buy something new?”

“Is that an option?”  
Lexa sounds hopeful and Anya chuckles. She checks her watch.  
“No, it’s not. You have less than an hour.”

She gets up and pulls grey dress pants and a black shirt from the pile.  
“Try this.”

“But … “

“No ‘but’, Lexa. They look good on you. You’ve worn that outfit before and you feel comfortable in it. Just trust me, okay?”

Lexa looks at her and nods.  
“Okay. You’re probably right.”

She strips in front of Anya which at this point is nothing new to her cousin and puts on the clothes Anya hands her. She knows Anya is right. She looks good in that shirt.  
She leaves for the bathroom, puts on makeup and secures her hair in a ponytail like she usually does. She has no idea why she is as nervous as she is.

When she comes back into the bedroom Anya nods at her.  
“You look perfect, kiddo. She’d be stupid to think anything different. In fact, she won’t.”

She gets up.  
“Do we need a code … in case you realize she’s a lunatic … or even worse … boring?”

Lexa looks into the mirror and stuffs a stray corner of her shirt into her pants.  
“I don’t think that will be necessary, but thank you for your concern.”

Anya laughs.  
“Look at my little girl, all grown up and ready to face the world!”

Lexa turns around.  
“Anya, you’re only four years older than me.”

Anya grins and hugs her.  
“Whatever! Go and get the girl!”

–---

The sound of the doorbell makes Clarke jump.  
Yes, she has been staring at the clock for the past ten minutes, and yes, Lexa is right on time, but the sound of the bell still comes as a surprise.

She gets up and opens the door and stares at her visitor with her mouth slightly open.  
Lexa looks … so fucking good. Clarke is even more nervous now. It’s only when she sees the way the other woman looks at her, takes in her dress and the way she put up her hair so her neck is more visible, she relaxes. Lexa is just as nervous as she is.

“Hi!”

“Hi!”

Lexa looks a little flushed and Clarke bets she looks the same way.

“You’re on time …” 

What a weird thing to say. 

Lexa seems to think so, too, because she grins at her.  
“I am. And the cab is waiting. … You look lovely, by the way.”

“Thank you! You look quite nice yourself.”

Quite nice? Clarke mentally hits herself. What the hell is wrong with her?

Lexa doesn’t seem to mind the weird conversation.  
“Are you ready to go?”

“Yes.”

They spend the following cab ride in awkward silence, mainly because the driver starts hitting on Clarke as soon as she gets in.  
Lexa fights the urge to punch him.  
When they get out she looks at Clarke.  
“That was weird …”

“Sure was. Did you see the way he looked at me through the rearview mirror?”

“Yes! I was this close to kissing you to make him stop.”  
The second the sentence leaves her lips Lexa curses herself for talking first and thinking later. But Clarke doesn’t seem to mind. In fact she just smirks and when she answers her voice has a different timbre and it makes Lexa feel all sorts of things.

“Maybe you should have …”

Lexa blushes. In the deepest of reds. She wonders how Clark does it? How she dismantles Lexa’s protective layer of coolness with nothing but a smile?

The restaurant Anya chose is a nice place, a little old-fashioned, but not tacky, with red and white tablecloths and an enormous amount of candles.  
A waiter shows them to their table and they sit. Clarke takes a look around.  
“This is nice.”

“Do you like it? My cousin recommended it.”

“Tell her, she chose wisely.”

Lexa laughs.  
“So, you’re an Indiana Jones fan, huh?”

“Yes. I am a nerd. I wanted to make sure you know that about me.”  
Clarke’s looks overly serious and Lexa is ready to play.

“Okay, then let’s settle this right now: Star Trek or Star Wars?”

“Star Wars, but only the original parts. … And the new Star Trek movies are quite good.”

“That is debatable, but I let it count. Stones or Beatles?”

“Stones, even though I admit the importance of the Beatles for music in general.”

“Is this a Jagger vs. Lennon thing?”

Clarke thinks for a second before she shakes her head.  
“No, I just like my music on the rock side. The Beatles are … to ‘nice’ for me.”

“Too nice, huh? I’ll try to keep that in mind.”  
Lexa grins and now it’s Clarke who blushes. She fiddles with the artfully folded napkin in front of her and finally puts it down next to her plate.

Lexa is willing to let her off the hook and changes the subject.  
“’Harry Potter’ or ‘Twilight’?”

“Is that a trick question?”  
Clarke frowns.  
“One is a brilliantly written, world-building, culturally relevant book series and the other is soft-porn for teenagers about glowing vampires. For the record: Vampires do not glow. I read everything from ‘Carmilla’ and ‘Dracula’ to Anne Rice’s ‘Vampire Chronicles’. Do not even think ‘Twilight’ can keep up with that. And don’t get me started on the movies …”

Lexa puts up her hands in defense and laughs.  
“I won’t. I can see that you are very passionate about this topic. And you seem to read a lot.”

“Well, when I have some time on my hands reading is something I thoroughly enjoy.”

Lexa stares at her and chuckles.  
“Where have you been all my life?”

Clarke stares back at her and goes quiet.  
“I’ve been right here, Lexa.”

Lexa blushes for the millionths time, but is saved by the waiter who brings the menus.  
They order a bottle of red wine and then Lexa stares at the menu in front of her and tries to control her heartbeat that has doubled it’s pace since she rang Clarke’s doorbell. Sitting across from her right now doesn’t help either.

Clarke looks incredible. The dress, her hair, her eyes … Lexa has a hard time focussing on the task at hand. When the waiter comes back a few minutes later she still has no idea what she wants, so she lets Clarke order first and tries to speed-read the menu. When the waiter finally gives her a slightly impatient look she orders pizza Margherita and by the way he frowns in return she is sure he is offended by how unimaginative her choice is.

“Are you a vegetarian?”

Lexa looks up and sees blue eyes focussing on her.  
“No. I just … I didn’t know what to order and this was the first thing that came to my mind.”

“Why didn’t you say anything? You didn’t have to rush your order.”

“I don’t think more time would have helped … You’re distracting me.”  
Lexa tilts her head just a little and smiles.

Clarke looks at her.  
“Am I?”

“Yes.”

“I am sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

Lexa is still smiling and Clarke has to break eye contact for a second, because everything is getting too intense.

“So, why did you move to New York, Lexa?”

Lexa hides a grin when Clarke changes the subject so abruptly. 

“I moved here, because even if I can write anywhere, New York is where my family is.  
My cousin is also my manager …”

“Bellamy told me.”

“You asked him about me?”

“Of course I did. You could have been known for your drug habit or something.”

Lexa laughs.  
“Maybe I have a dark secret that the press hasn’t found out about yet.”

Clarke looks at her.  
“I doubt that. They know everything there is about you. I googled you.”  
She laughs.  
“I am sorry, that sounded a lot like I am stalking you.”

“No, it’s fine. I would have been offended if you hadn’t.”

“So, when did you realize you wanted to be a writer?”

Before Lexa can answer the waiter reappears and brings the wine. He opens the bottle and doesn’t seem to be sure who is supposed to taste it. Clarke decides to rescue him. She hands him her glass and he pours only a little of the liquid into it.  
Clarke takes the glass and looks at it like it is supposed to do something. She smells the wine and finally she takes a sip and nods at the man.

“It’s fine.”

He seems a little relieved and fills their glasses while they watch him in silence.  
When he finally leaves Clarke grins.  
“I am sorry, I didn’t know if you wanted to taste it and he seemed so lost.”

“It’s fine. My knowledge of wine is … more or less nonexistent. I can tell you if I like it or not, but that’s about it. You on the other hand looked like you know what you are doing.”

“My … ex-boyfriend … liked wine and I learned a thing or two.”

Lexa picks up the small pause in the sentence and knows that the topic isn’t one Clarke wants to get into. She takes her glass and tastes the wine which is smooth and heavy and tastes like dark fruits.

Clarke looks at her.  
“Do you like it?”

“Yes. I like it. But I still don’t know a thing about it.”

“But you’ve been to high society parties?”

“Yes, but there’s mostly champagne or cocktails.”

“I am so sorry for you.”

Clarke grins and Lexa raises an eyebrow.  
“Mockery isn’t the product of a strong mind, Clarke.”

Now Clarke i laughing at her.  
“What a ridiculous sentence. Where is that from?”

“I don’t know. It feels like I might have said it before though. Which brings me back to your question: I think I’ve always known I wanted to be a writer. I used to sell stories to my parents and grandparents when I was just a little kid. In the beginning they were mostly comics.”

“Oh, you draw?”  
Clarke is curious, but Lexa laughs and shakes her head.

“No, I definitely do not. I have no talent for that. But at that time I didn’t know how to write, so drawing was as close to telling stories as I got. I won a prize for a story I wrote when I was fifteen and from that moment I knew for sure this was what I wanted.”  
Lexa has another sip of wine.  
“When did you know you wanted to become a doctor?”

“Pretty early. My mum was a doctor. She’s retired now.”  
She looks at Lexa.  
“When I was 17 I was in a car accident. That is why I have to use the cane. … My dad died in that accident. I couldn’t save him. I was trapped in the car. But after that … when I was able to think clearly again, I knew, this was what I wanted to do.”

Lexa nods.  
“I am sorry about your dad.”

Clarke smiles at her.  
“Thank you, but that was a long time ago. What about your parents?”

“My parents died in an accident, too. A plane crash. I was seven. I still don’t like to fly.”

“I am sorry.”

“Don’t be, Clarke. As you said: It was a long time ago. I grew up at my aunt’s and uncle’s.  
So Anya is basically my sister.”

“Anya?”

“My cousin slash manager.”

The waiter brings their order and Lexa stares at the enormous pizza in front of her. She is hungry, but she will never be able to eat all of that.  
Clarke’s order is as huge as hers and when she looks up both of them have to laugh.

“This pizza is gigantic!”  
Clarke stairs at her plate. She tastes the food and hums.  
“Wow, and it is delicious, too.”

Lexa agrees and they spend a minute or two just eating in comfortable silence before Lexa grins.  
“Anya was worried you might not eat carbs. She has this rule about not trusting women who swore off carbs.”

Clarke raises an eyebrow.  
“Why?”

“Because she thinks you cannot be a sane person without the occasional donut.”

“Your cousin is a bright woman.”

“Yes, she is.”  
Lexa nods.  
“But tell me more about you, Clarke.” 

“What do you want to know?”

“Hm, for example … Do you have any siblings?”

“No. You?”

“No … Well, Anya, if that counts.”

“Was it hard for you? Growing up without your parents?”  
Clarke balances a piece of pizza on her fork and waits for Lexa’s answer.

“At first it was horrible. I didn’t understand how they could be gone. Just like that. One minute my mum kisses me goodby and the next my aunt picks me up from school and I am an orphan.”  
She puts down her fork.  
“My aunt and uncle were great though. Anya, too. She is four years older than me and I think she secretly hated to have this emotional kid around all of a sudden, but she never let me sense it.”

“Emotional? That doesn’t sound like you …”

"Why not?"  
Lexa cuts a few more pieces off her pizza and Clarke looks at her.  
“You seem very much in control of your emotions.”

Lexa thinks about it for a second.  
“I am now. I wasn’t then. … I cried for weeks, but then I realized that my parents wouldn’t come back and that they would expect me to keep it together, so I did.”

“But you were only seven.”

Lexa bit her lip.  
“Yes. … And I’ve been a little bit of a control freak ever since.”

Clarke lifts her glass and has a sip of wine.  
“Well, I guess we both have a little baggage.”

“Does that frighten you?”  
Lexa realizes she is afraid of the answer.

“Strangely enough … not at all.”  
Clarke looks at her and something inside of Lexa is falling into place. Some rogue part of her that has been stuck beneath all of her self-control and reserve.  
It feels good, but it's also frightening.

They eat and move on to lighter topics. Lexa explains the creative choices in her books and Clarke realizes that she likes to listen to her. Usually she is the one talking, but with Lexa listening is a nice change of pace.

At some point they order desert even if they are both already full. Lexa promised to buy Clarke desert and desert she shall have. When all of the food is gone and the bottle of wine empty, they both need to get some air.  
Lexa pays the check and tips the waiter generously. She waits for Clarke to gather her things and holds the door for her.

“You’re very old-school, Lexa Woods. Has someone ever told you that?”

“No.”

“Well, you are.”  
Clarke smiles and they start to walk.  
“Where are we going?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know where we are. I don’t know the city yet, remember?”  
Lexa looks at Clarke.  
“I would love to walk a little though. Is that okay? Or are you cold? Does your knee give you trouble?”  
Lexa’s face is one big concerned question mark.

Clarke stops to look at her.  
The street light produces an orange halo around the woman and Clarke feels her heart skip a beat.  
“You’re very sweet, Lexa. Has someone at least ever told you that?”

Lexa blushes. Clarke can see it even in this light.  
“No.”

Clarke smiles.  
“Well, they should have.”

She doesn’t know why she suddenly feels so bold, but she reaches out and takes Lexa’s hand and Lexa just surrenders it to her like this is how it is supposed to be.

“Well, Lexa Woods, let’s get lost in New York City, shall we?”


	9. Chapter 9

“You didn’t kiss her?”  
Anya stares at Lexa with this expression she has when she thinks that Lexa is being extra-stupid.  
“You had dinner, you held hands and walked around the city and then you walked her home and did not kiss her?”

Lexa looks at her.  
“Yes.”

“But why?”  
Anya sounds frustrated and Lexa puts down her laptop.

“It would have been too fast.”

“Too fast? You’ve been texting for days, you got all dressed up and nervous …”

“No kissing on the first date.”

Anya stares at her in disbelief now.  
“Are you kidding me? Since when do you believe in the American standards of dating?”

Lexa laughs.  
“I don’t know … I didn’t want to jinx it.”

Anya shakes her head and sits down on the couch.  
“You really have learned nothing from me, have you?”

Lexa sits down next to Anya.  
“Believe me, An, this is different. I am positive that Clarke knows that I don’t just want to be friends. … I kissed her on the cheek and I lingered.”

“You ‘lingered’? What the hell is that supposed to mean?”  
Anya turns her face to her.

“That I didn’t just give her a peck on the cheek, but I took my time to make sure she knows I like her?”  
Now that she says it out loud Lexa realizes that it doesn’t sounds as convincing as it should. Maybe she should have just kissed Clarke? Oh God, what if Clarke thinks she didn’t want to kiss her? Holy shit, did she mess this up? She sits up straight.

Anya watches her cousin from going pale to sitting up rigid and grins.  
“Let me guess? You just realized that your little gesture might not have been the right move?”

“But Anya, I swear … it felt like the right thing to do. I didn’t want to come on too strong …”

Anya shakes her head at her.  
“Lexa, you better make sure the girl knows you more than just like her or I swear to God, I will kick your ass!”

Lexa takes three more seconds to think, then she jumps up and runs to the door.  
“An, shut the door when you leave?”

“Lexa …?

“Can’t. Gotta go.”  
She already has her hand on the door handle.

“Lexa!”  
Anya’s voice is more urgent this time and Lexa stops to turn around.

“What?

“It’s freezing outside.”

“So?”

Anya is close to losing it.  
“You’re in a t-shirt and socks.”

–---

“What do you mean she didn’t kiss you?”  
Raven’s voice sounds a little distorted over the phone. She is somewhere doing NASA stuff, but she still called in to check on Clarke.

“Well, she gave me a kiss on the cheek …”

“On the cheek? What are you? Twelve?”

“Well, I guess I could have kissed her myself …”  
Clarke throws a paint brush into a small empty bucket next to her. It’s the wrong bucket. This one is full of water and now there are water splashes mixed with green on the canvas. She sighs.

“Why the hell didn’t you?”  
Raven sounds irritated.

“I don’t know?”  
Clarke carefully dries the canvas with a piece of cloth.  
“I didn’t want to rush it? She sent me a text though, saying that she enjoyed our evening a lot.”

“She did?”  
There is a lot of distortion before Raven is back.  
“But I guess that’s not enough, is it? You’re still obsessing about why Lexa didn’t kiss you … Even if you didn’t have the guts to kiss her yourself. That is so you, Griffin. Get out of your head! Right now!”

Even through the phone Clarke feels Raven’s disapproving look.

“But … what if she didn’t want to kiss me?”  
She can’t help it. The feeling of insecurity is still there, like an old, unwelcome friend.

“Why the hell wouldn’t she? You’ve been texting like teenagers, you held hands, you had a great night. And you looked hot, Griffin! In this dress you look hotter than hot!”

Clarke smiles just a little bit.  
“Thank you, Raven. Maybe you’re right. Maybe we were both too careful. I will call her tomorrow and …”

The door bell rings and Clarke looks up.  
“Sorry, Rae, I have to go. There’s someone at the door.”  
She terminates the call without a proper goodbye, even though she knows exactly how much Raven hates that, and gets up.  
When she opens the door she is confronted with a very much out of breath version of Lexa. She has one hand on the door frame to steady herself while she tries to get her pulse to slow down.

“Lexa! Are you okay?”

Lexa nods, still too much out of breath to talk.  
Clarke tilts her head.  
“Did you run here?”

Another nod.

“Why?”

Lexa takes one more deep breath before she answers.  
“I am sorry to barge in on you like this.” She has to catch her breath again. “I had a little conversation with my cousin and it made me realize that I forgot about something.”

Clarke looks at her.  
“Okay? And what would that be?”

There is something about Lexa’s eyes that makes Clarke freeze. She can’t decide if it is their color that looks a lot like the one she has been painting with only a minute ago or the fact that they are focused on her lips. Now that Lexa’s breath is more even Clarke realizes that hers has sped up. She bites her lower lip and Lexa reacts to that by getting closer. 

“I am sorry … I should have done this yesterday. I don’t know why I didn’t …”  
Lexa’s voice sounds hoarse and low. Her face is inches from Clarke’s and Clarke slowly blinks.

“Should have done what?”  
Her own voice is barely a whisper.  
Lexa’s lips are so close to hers now that it tickles when she gives her answer.  
“Kiss you.”

The kiss is softer than she had imagined. It is careful and slow and perfect. Clarke closes her eyes. Lexa is making sure she’s not overstepping any boundaries in the beginning, but when Clarke leans in so does she. Her heartbeat speeds up again when Clarke’s tongue is tickling her lips and she opens them enough to deepen the kiss.  
Neither of them knows how long they’ve been standing there, in the hallway, in front of Clarke’s apartment, but when Lexa finally breaks the kiss the light in the hallway that runs on a timer is already out. They both smile.

“And here I was, worried you might not like me …”  
Clarke has a smug grin on her face and Lexa can’t help, but stare at her.

“I am so sorry. I haven’t … done this sort of thing before.”

“What? Kissing women?”  
Clarke laughs and Lexa blushes.

“No. First dates. … At least not with someone like you.”

“Someone like me? What does that mean?”  
Clarke frowns just a little and Lexa is blushes some more.

“Someone I really like …”

“But you’ve been with … people? I mean, you dated Costia …”

“Yes, but that was … different.”

“Different how?”  
Clarke realizes that they are still in the hallway, but she needs to know.

“Different, because … I like you.”  
Lexa looks at her.  
“Wait. That sounds wrong. What I mean is that I really like you and that is something that I haven’t felt before.”

Clarke still doesn’t seem to get her point and Lexa curses herself for being so bad with words.  
She sighs and takes a deep breath.

“I have never been in love. Never. Like in my whole life. I know that sounds weird, but that’s what it is. I have been attracted people, women to be more exact, but I never ‘liked’ liked them.”

Clarke doesn’t say anything so Lexa keeps going.  
“When I met you … something happened to me. I … felt something. I can’t explain and I don’t want to scare you.”

She looks at Clarke to check if she’s making her uncomfortable, but Clarke just looks at her with a hint of a smile on her lips.  
“I’m just asking you to give me a chance. I might do stupid things like not kissing you even if I clearly want to, but I swear on all that’s holy that I don’t want to mess this up.”

She gives Clarke a sheepish smile.  
“But hey, no pressure!”

Clarke doesn’t answer at first. She looks at Lexa, takes her in, the delicate face, the long chestnut colored hair and the slim body that is currently hidden under a black wool coat. 

“You’re a riddle, Lexa Woods.”

She says it with a smile and sees Lexa’s expression change to something that might be confused with hope. Clarke smiles a little more, then she leans forward and lightly kisses her on the lips again.

“A riddle that I am determined to solve.”


	10. Chapter 10

“What is going on with you, Clarke?”

“What do you mean?”

“You are smiling.”

“So?”

“Like all the time!”  
Octavia takes the bottle of champagne out of the fridge and opens it expertly without spilling a drop. Clarke watches her do it and remembers the last time she opened a bottle like that, flooding the kitchen with champagne. She is really bad at it, probably, because the sound of the cork leaving the bottle reminds her of a shot. She’s a little scared of it even though she knows that is stupid.

“I am deeply sorry, if my happiness causes you concern.”

Octavia grins.  
“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

“I know.”  
Clarke takes glasses from the cabinet and puts them on the table for Octavia to fill.

“But you are happy?”

“Yes.”  
Clarke smiles. She is aware that Lexa and her only have been on one date, but it already feels so good.

“What about you and Lincoln? We haven’t seen a lot of you since he came back so I am guessing you’re fine?”

Octavia nods and fills the glasses up to the rim.  
“He is quitting the army.”

“He does? Does that mean he’s staying?”

Octavia grins.  
“He better. I want my husband to be around.”

Clarke smiles.  
“Have you told your brother yet?”

“I did. He loves the idea of being alone in this house. Or maybe Gina will move in. Who knows.”  
She takes one of the glasses and hands it to Clarke.  
“Listen, I am a little concerned about Raven.”

“Why?”

Octavia takes a sip from her glass.  
“I have a feeling that she isn’t … feeling so well lately. Missing Finn and such …”

“O, she is over the moon for you and you know it.”

“I do. Don’t get me wrong. I just … I don’t want to hurt her by … shoving my happiness down her throat.”

“You mean, like I do?”  
Clarke looks at her.

“What? Oh God, no. That’s not at all what I meant. I …”  
She realizes that Clarke is grinning.  
“You’re messing with me, aren’t you?”

“Maybe.”  
Clarke can hardly hold it together.

“Damn it, Griffin!”  
Octavia laughs.  
“I really need your opinion on this. Can we be serious for a second?”

“Sure.”  
Clarke sits down at the table and waits for Octavia to sit as well. 

“You and Raven are my best friends. I will need your help. Lincoln isn’t much of a party planner and he still has a few things to do before he’s a civilian again …”

“You want us to help plan you wedding?”

“Yes.”

“And you’re afraid that Raven doesn’t want to, but will feel obligated?”

“Yes.”

“She won’t. She loves you. There is nothing that would keep her from planning the worst possible bachelorette party for you.”  
Clarke grins.  
“Really, O, she will be fine.”

Octavia is almost convinced.  
“It’s just … she sometimes acts like she expects never to feel love again. But how is she supposed to meet someone when all she does is work and hang with us?”

“All I do is work and hang with you and I still met Lexa.”

“That’s different.”

“Different how?”

“You were open to it. Raven … it’s like when Finn left her she closed herself up and when he died … She hasn’t been the same.”

“I haven’t been the same.”  
Clark quietly looks at her.

“I know.”  
Octavia reaches out and takes Clarke’s hand.  
“But you never gave up and now look at you.”

“So you think that Raven gave up?”

Octavia thinks for a second to find the right words.  
“To me it feels like she hides behind this tough, sassy exterior, determined never to be vulnerable again, but at the same time she suffers, because that’s exactly what she wants … to open up to someone.”  
She drinks her champagne.  
“Listen to me … I get all sentimental and I am not even drunk yet.”

Clarke squeezes her hand.  
“You’re not sentimental. You’re concerned and I think you’re right. Raven needs to get out there. How about we take her out for drinks when she gets back? We’ll ask the usual crowd.”

Octavia nods.   
“Sounds like a start. So Friday?”

“Yup, Friday it is.”

–---

CLARKE: Are you free on Friday night? Raven will be back in town and we want to take her out for drinks.

Lexa puts down her phone and frowns.

“What’s wrong?”  
Anya looks at her.  
“Bad news?”

“No, it’s just … It’s your birthday on Friday.”

“Yes?”

“I haven’t seen Clarke since Sunday and she just asked me to have drinks with her and her friends …”

“On Friday?”

“Yes.”

Lexa bites her lip and Anya just has to laugh.  
“You can go. It’s okay. I’m a big girl.”

“No, it’s not okay. Your parents won’t be back for two weeks. I don’t want you to spend your birthday alone.”

“I really don’t mind, Lexa.”

“But I do. … Wait a second.”  
She picks up her phone again and types. It takes only seconds for her to get an answer and she smiles.  
“Okay, it’s settled. You’re coming with us.”

Anya looks a little shocked.  
“No! I mean, I don’t know any of these people. … I don’t like to go out.”

Lexa laughs.  
“Oh, please, that’s a flat out lie. You love going out. And it will take only a few more seconds for you to figure out the benefits of my little proposal …”

Anya looks at her, her face one big question mark, but then her eyes light up.  
“I am going to meet Clarke.”

Lexa grins.  
“Yes, you will. And you’re going to be very nice to her.”

“I am always nice.”

“No, you’re not.”

Anya grins, too.  
“No, you’re right, I’m not.”

–---

“I don’t want to, Griffin!”

“Oh, come on, Rae! I promised Octavia and Lincoln you’re going to be there … and be there you will.”

Raven sighs.  
“I am tired. I worked day and night for a week. I just want to sleep.”

“You can sleep tomorrow. Today you’re going to have a drink with a few more or less civilized people.”

“I get it, O wants to celebrate her engagement with everyone, but why do we have to go out? Can’t we have beer and pizza at home like in the good old days?”

“No, we can’t. Also, Lexa is bringing her cousin. It’s Anya’s birthday and I am a bit nervous to meet her, so please, get up and let’s go. I need backup.”

Raven sighs again. She looks at Clarke and then at her own outfit.  
“Do I need to change?”

Clarke gives her an assessing look.  
“Maybe?”

Another sigh.  
“I really hate this!”

–---

To Anya’s amusement they are the first to arrive. This never happens when she has to go somewhere with Lexa. Tonight might be the first occasion she has ever witnessed in which her cousin is right on time.

They go inside and find a table, telling the waiter they will hold their order until the others arrive. Octavia and Lincoln are the first. Octavia introduces her soon to be husband, Lexa introduces Anya. She is impressed. Lincoln is a nice guy, tall, muscular, with a sweet smile and excellent manners. Octavia beams when Lexa congratulates her on her engagement. Those two are clearly in love and Lexa is happy for them.

Anya relaxes a little. She hadn’t realized that she was actually nervous to meet new people, but the couple is nice and easy to talk to. Octavia is quick with her answers and Anya enjoys a good banter. Maybe the evening won’t be so bad.

Bellamy and his girlfriend Gina are the next to arrive, followed by Monty and a goofy looking guy named Jasper. 

When the door opens again it only takes a second for Anya to understand why Lexa is so head over heels. Clarke is stunning. It’s not the dress that she is wearing or her hairdo that is the right mix of casual and art. She is beautiful and all that, but the thing that draws Anya to her instantly is the way she laughs about something the other woman must have said to her. It’s an unadulterated laugh with her eyes closed and no restraint. This is a woman who doesn’t care what others think of her. Anya likes her already 

The other woman must be Raven. Anya watches her as they approach the group and notices the brace and the small limp, but also the caution in her eyes when they meet Anya’s. Anya gives her a smile, but Raven just looks at her like she is determined not to give away any emotion. 

Lexa watches Clarke with held breath until she reaches her and gives her a small kiss on the lips which makes them both blush

“Hey!”   
Clarke smiles her brightest smile again and then rather than waiting for Lexa to say something she introduced herself.  
“I am Clarke. … You must be Anya. It’s good to meet you.”

Anya shakes her hand and smiles.  
“Happy to meet you, too, Clarke.”  
She looks at the other woman.  
“And you are Raven, right?”

Raven nods, but stays silent. Anya raises an eyebrow just slightly.   
“Lexa told me you work for NASA? So … Did we really land on the moon or is the video one big fake?”

Raven looks at her, her face still clear of emotion.   
Her answer sounds dead-serious.  
“I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you …”

Everyone stares at her for a second.  
Anya blinks and then she chuckles.  
“Fair enough.”

Clarke has watched their little conversation with a frown. She is wondering what is up with Raven’s attitude? She seems to be extra-snarky tonight. Clarke looks at her friend, thinking about asking her if something is wrong, but then she remembers something. She holds out her cane for Lexa to take and reaches inside the backpack she has with her. Then she hands Anya a box, all wrapped up including a bow.

“I almost forgot! Happy birthday!”

Anya looks at her and the box in her hands.  
“Thank you. You didn’t have to …”

Clarke smiles.  
“I know, but I wanted to win a few points with you.”

Now Anya has to laugh.  
“Well, in that case, let’s see.”  
She opens the present and finds a children’s book, an old one. One she has been searching for a long time now. She’s a little at a loss for words.  
“How did you …?

Clarke smiles.  
“Lexa told me that it was your favorite book when you were a kid and that she lost it.”  
She gives Lexa a reprimanding look.

“I’ve been sad about it for months.”  
Anya’s index finger runs over the title. ‘The Moon and the Stars’.

“Lexa said you’ve been searching for it and it so happens that I had a copy, so …”

Anya looks up and Lexa is surprised to see just how much her cousin is moved by this.

“I can’t … I mean, this is obviously part of your childhood, too. It is way to rare to just give away. It’s out of print.”

Clarke smile widens.  
“It is obvious that you are the one who should have this. I’m not even sure why I kept it.”

Anya smiles.  
“Thank you, Clarke. This might just be the best birthday present I ever got. You not only scored a lot of points with me … I might just disown Lexa and put your name on my will instead.”

Jasper who has been saying hi to his friends clears his throat.  
“So are we going to keep standing here? I was promised drinks.” 

“Right! Me, too!”  
Monty looks at Jasper.  
“First round is on us.”

“What’s up with you? Did you win the lottery?”  
Bellamy laughs, obviously not expecting an answer.  
“I’ll help you carry.”  
He looks around.  
“What is everyone having?”

He collects the orders and then leaves for the bar. Everyone else sits down. Anya interrogates Clarke just a little bit, not enough to make her uncomfortable, but enough to make Lexa kick her under the table. 

“Ouch!”

“What is wrong?”  
Clarke seems concerned.

“Seems like you girlfriend … I can call her your girlfriend, can’t I? Just to make her squirm … She thinks I’m too nosy. She kicked me.”  
Anya laughs when Lexa face turns dark red. Clarke looks at Lexa, grins and gives her kiss.   
“The term is fine with me. What do you think?”

Lexa is still flushed. She looks at Clarke and just nods which makes Clarke grin even more.  
“For a writer you really are very nonverbal sometimes, aren’t you?”

Anya lets them be and moves on to talking about martial arts in movies with Octavia and Lincoln. At some point their drinks arrive and they toast to the happy couple.

Anya doesn’t fail to notice that Raven is pretty quiet. It’s not like she doesn’t talk, but she seems absent. There is something about her that is familiar, but Anya doesn’t quite know what yet.

About an hour and three rounds of drinks later the dancing begins. Clarke leaves her cane behind and leans on Lexa instead. Even Raven seems to have a good time. About three or four songs in a man who has been sitting at the bar asks Raven to dance. He seems nice enough, but Raven politely declines. He smiles anyway, nods and leaves, but after that Raven is different. She stops dancing, looks at their table, obviously thinking about sitting down, but decides against it. She looks jumpy somehow, stands still for a few seconds, then leans forward to shout something into Clarke’s ear who nods. After that Raven turns around and leaves. Clarke doesn’t seem concerned, so she’s probably going to the restroom.

Anya watches her leave and suddenly she knows. She realizes what looked so familiar. She tips Lexa’s shoulder and tells her that she needs some fresh air. Lexa nods and asks if she wants her to go with her, but Anya just smiles and shakes her head.

She leaves and walks to the back of the bar where the restrooms are. She takes a quick look, but there is no one inside. She was right. She walks past the kitchen and to the back entrance. The door is unlocked and she steps outside into the cool night air. 

Raven is pacing up and down the alley. She doesn’t notice Anya, two fingers of her left hand are taking the pulse on her neck. Her breathing is fast, it’s close to hyperventilating, and Anya knows exactly what is going on. She steps into her way and Raven stops and looks up, her eyes a little unfocused.

“It’s okay, Raven. You’re not going to die. Your pulse is racing is because your body is in fight or flight mode. You have to let it wash over you. Acknowledge that it’s happening and hold on until it’s over.”

Raven looks at her in confusion and Anya tried to assess the situation.  
“You didn’t tell your friends, did you?”

“Tell them what?”  
Raven still seems jumpy, like a cornered animal.

“That you are having panic attacks. They don’t know or one of them would be with you right now.”

Raven’s breathing takes up even more speed and Anya puts her hand on the woman’s back.  
“You’re feeling my hand, right? Sometimes it’s useful to focus on something, a sound, a smell … touch. I can help you get through this if you want?”

Raven just stares at her and doesn’t answer, so Anya keeps on talking and slowly runs her hand up and down Raven’s back. She is well aware of how intimate this gesture is, but for her it usually works, so she decides to try it on Raven as well.

“I had my first panic attack when I was twenty-something. In the middle of a movie theatre. I had to get up and leave, because I thought I was having a heart attack. I went to a hospital. They ran a few checks, but physically I was fine. They told me to go home and drink lots of water and I did. I got through it, but afterwards I was afraid something like it might happen again. And it did, but months later. I had it maybe two or three times a year after that, but then I had this one panic attack that seemed to last forever. I wasn’t able to get out of it. I wasn’t able to function. All I wanted was to stay in bed and sleep. That’s when I got help.”

“Are you better now?”  
Raven looks at her and Anya sees that she is more focused.

“Yes. Way better. I have the occasional queasy feeling when I am stressed, but I can handle it.”

“I don’t know why this is happening to me.”  
Raven is close to tears and Anya has a feeling that the woman isn’t used to that either.

“My therapist once told me that my body is like a seismograph of my mental state. When I am stressed, things happen. Are you stressed out about something?”

Raven clenches her teeth and Anya is suddenly aware that her hand is still on the other woman’s back. She slowly lets go.

“You don’t have to tell me. I realize that you hardly know me. It’s just …If you need to talk … I am here.” She looks at her. “Are you feeling better?”

Raven nods. Her breathing is slower now.   
“Thank you …”

“Don’t mention it.”  
Anya is relieved to see that Raven is relaxing a little.  
“We can stay here for a little while longer, but I guess your friends will get suspicious at some point.”  
She shivers.  
“Also, it is fucking cold!”

Raven looks at her and then something weird happens. She smiles.   
A genuine, beautiful smile very different from the tough, snarky girl Anya has come to know over the evening.   
Anya takes a deep breath and knows exactly in this moment that she is screwed.

–

“Where the hell have you been? I was close to sending a search and rescue team.”  
Lexa looks at Anya when she comes back to the table and then past her at Raven and raises her brow. The look on Anya’s face tells her to shut up though.

“I met Raven outside and she told me NASA’s darkest secrets.”  
Anya falls down on the chair next to Lexa and looks to the dance floor where Clarke is still dancing the night away, now leaning on her cane for support and still managing to look extremely graceful.  
“Has she worn you out already?”

Lexa laughs.  
“I’m just taking a short break. … Listen, would it be okay if I took Clarke home instead of taking a cab with you? We’re living in the same neighborhood and …”  
She stops when Anya starts to laugh.

“Who are you trying to fool here? Be chivalrous and take her home. I’m a big girl. I can take my own cab.”

“Or I could drive you …”  
Raven is more or less talking into her bottle of non-alcoholic beer, but Anya still has a tingly feeling where her skin forms goosebumps. Lexa raises her eyebrow again, but instead of saying something embarrassing to her cousin she smiles.

“That would be great, Raven. Last time I sent Anya home alone after a night out she got stranded somewhere, because she insulted the cabbie when they were discussing ‘Anna Karenina’.”

Now it is Raven’s time to raise her eyebrow.  
“You did?”

“He kept insisting ‘War and Peace’ was the only thing Tolstoi got right and I begged to differ.”  
Anya lifts Lexa’s glass and drinks.  
“I couldn’t let that slide.”

“You are a bit of a nerd, aren’t you?”

“Also a literary snob.”  
Anya grins.   
“And I would be happy to get a lift, thank you.”

“That’s settled then.”

“What is settled?”  
Clarke sits down next to Lexa.

“Raven will take Anya home and the two of us will share a cab. If that’s okay with you, I mean?”  
Lexa looks at her.

“I would like that a lot.”  
Clarke smiles and Raven rolls her eyes.

“Jeez, get a room.”

Clarke grins.  
“I have a room, Raven. It’s cozy.”  
She bites her lower lip and gives Lexa a smile.   
“Wanna leave?”

Lexa visibly swallows and Clarke laughs.  
“I take that as a yes.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this makes up for the lack of Clexa in the last chapter ... ;)

The sensation of the silky fabric of Clarke’s dress underneath her fingertips causes goosebumps on Lexa’s skin. She carefully takes a hold of the zipper and leads it downwards while simultaneously kissing Clarke’s neck.

They barely made it inside before the kissing began and now Lexa is standing in Clarke’s living room in her jeans and bra, trying not to freak out, because this right here, Clarke only inches from her, is intense to say the least.

She slowly pulls down the zipper all the way and the dress just glides down Clarke’s body and falls down to the floor. She hears Clarke exhale and it makes her shudder. Her hands follow the path of the dress and find their resting place on Clarke’s hips. She turns her around and kisses her. 

Clarke’s cane got lost along the way and so Clarke puts one hand around Lexa’s neck to steady herself. She looks at her, Lexa’s half-closed eyes, her tongue that subconsciously licks her bottom lip, the muscles on her arms that have no problem holding Clarke’s weight. It’s a major turn on.

Lexa smirks when she realized Clarke is examining her body. She pulls her close and kisses her with force. Clarke moans and it does things to Lexa. Her hands leave their place on Clarke’s hips and move to her back and downwards. 

Clarke wants to move this to the bedroom, but her cane is lost and she can’t put her full weight onto her knee and somehow Lexa seems to sense it, because she just lifts her up like she weights next to nothing. Clarke is shocked for a second, but then her legs wrap around Lexa and she lets herself be carried across the room and into the hallway. Lexa stops right there and Clarke realizes that she doesn’t know where her bedroom is, so she whispers a “to the right” into her ear and just holds on as Lexa opens the door and walks inside. The room is only illuminated by the light from the hallway as Lexa gently eases Clarke down onto the bed, but when Clarke looks up and sees the hungry eyes that take in the sight of her she still blushes. She doesn’t know why. Maybe it’s about the scars, maybe it’s because Lexa’s body is so much fitter than her own. 

Lexa picks up on her insecurity and smiles at her.  
“You are so fucking beautiful.”

Clarke blushes even more.  
She pulls Lexa down and kisses her. She doesn’t mind that Lexa’s bodyweight is pressing down on her ribs. In fact it’s intoxicating. Her hands explore the woman’s back and when she reaches the clasp of her bra she opens it. Lexa puts her weight on one arm and loses the fabric entirely. Clarke can’t help, but stare at her face. She’s utter perfection, the long eyelashes, the green of her eyes, the smirk on her lips. She wants to kiss her until she begs for mercy.

With a sudden move she rolls them around and now Lexa is underneath her with a perplexed expression, but she isn’t protesting so Clarke straddles her hips and takes of her own bra which makes Lexa hold her breath. She tries to touch her, but Clark captures her hands and presses them down on the bed above her head. Lexa’s pupils go wide and Clarke now smirks herself. She leans down and kisses Lexa, first her lips, then her nose, her eyes, her neck, her lips again, before she works herself downward and hears a gasp. She grins while her tongue plays with Lexa’s navel. Her hands glide up and find Lexa’s breasts. There is an audible moan now.

A second later she opens the buttons of Lexa’s jeans and pulls them down, exposing black underwear. She disposes of them, too, while she is at it. When she looks up Lexa is watching her and Clarke smiles. She realizes that all of the clothing that is left are her own panties and she pulls them down before she works her way up Lexa’s body again.   
Clarke wants to touch ever inch of it. She can’t stop herself and Lexa is willing to let her do whatever she wants with her. That’s a first. She usually doesn’t like to give up control, but now, right here, with Clarke, she doesn’t care. In fact it is turning her on in ways she didn’t even imagine. The feeling of Clarke’s hands all over her, her tongue playing with her … She groans and feels Clarke’s mouth form a grin at its position on her upper thigh. 

Lexa’s hands grab the bedsheets next to her and hold on tight while her body tenses and her hips move upwards. Clarke does things to her, her tongue dancing to a rhythm and Lexa can’t think straight anymore. She sees colors and stars and at some point they erupt and she holds her breath and screams at the same time before her body finally goes slack.

Clarke’s hands never leave her as she crawls up and lies down next to her, her fingers lazily drawing patterns on Lexa’s stomach while Lexa tries to catch her breath. Lexa doesn’t say a thing, but as soon as her heartbeat has slowed down a little she kisses Clarke with fervor before her right hand slowly moves down Clarke’s body and she whisper’s “My turn” into Clarke’s ear in a way that sends shivers down the woman’s spine.

Lexa takes her time exploring Clarke’s body, kissing each of her scars like nothing else matters until she feels Clarke’s restlessness growing. She smiles and moves her hand between Clarke’s legs, causing her to moan. She smiles even more and lowers herself onto Clarke’s body, kissing her, while her fingers begin their dance. She feels Clarke’s heartbeat speed up. Lexa kisses her neck.   
Clarke bites her lip with her eyes closed, trying to move her hips despite the weight of Lexa’s body. Lexa shifts just a little to give Clarke room and as soon as she does, Clarke’s hips move against her fingers and Lexa picks up her speed.

“Do you have any idea how sexy you are?” It’s only a whisper, but Clarke hears it loud and clear. She doesn’t answer though. She is a little busy right now. She moves her hips to the left just a little bit and Lexa takes the cue and increases the pressure causing Clarke to gasp and hold her breath while the orgasm is building up inside of her until she finally comes.   
Clarke’s fingernails leave marks on Lexa’s back, but Lexa doesn’t mind. She keeps up the movement until Clarke’s body goes limp and sinks into the sheets. 

“Holy shit!”  
Clarke pulls her close, kissing her lips.  
“That was …”

Lexa laughs.  
“You don’t have to tell me …”

“But I mean it! Usually it take me ages to … you know …”  
She blushes.

Lexa chuckles and kisses her. Clarke lets out a soft sigh and snuggles closer.   
“How can this feel so right when I’ve only known you for such a short period of time?”

“I have no idea, but I am really glad that Bellamy’s shop has such great coffee.”  
Lexa places her hand on Clarke’s hip. They stay like that until Clarke’s eyes grow tired.

“Can you stay over? I would really like to wake up next to you …“ She blushes a little. „Wow, that was a weird thing to say.”

Lexa yawns.  
“Why? I find that totally reasonable. I am a charming sight to wake up to, messed up hair and make-up, grumpy and in need of coffee …”

Clarke grins.   
“I would be happy to deliver coffee to the bed and make you breakfast.”

“In that case …”  
Lexa untangles herself from Clarke.  
“I would be happy to stay. I just need to go to the bathroom and take my contacts out. Can you give me directions?”

“The door at the end of the hall. But if you let me go first I can give you a towel and I think I also have a new toothbrush somewhere.”

Clarke sits up and reaches down to the floor next to the bed to retrieve a cane. She smiles at Lexa. “I always have a spare one around.”

When Clarke comes back about five minutes later she is still naked and Lexa feels her heartbeat speeding up again. She sits down on the edge of the mattress and pulls Clarke close, leaving kisses on her belly. Then she gets up.

“I won’t need long.”

Clarke smiles.  
“I will be here when you get back.”

The bathroom is small, but holds a tub as well as a shower.   
Lexa brushes her teeth. She also uses some of Clarke’s make-up remover so she won’t look like a complete mess in the morning. She has day lenses so she gets them out and puts them in the trash. She uses the toilet, washes her hands and takes a long look into the mirror. Who is this smiling woman staring back at her? She is sure she has never seen her before.

When she comes back into the bedroom she stops to admire the sleeping form of Clarke underneath the sheets. She left the little lamp on her bedside table burning for Lexa and so Lexa kills the lights in the hallway and slides under the sheets herself. Before she reaches over Clarke to switch off the lamp as well she gently places a kiss on Clarke’s temple. Clarke stirs.  
“Lexa?”

“Yes, Clarke?”.

Clarke is half asleep and gives her the most adorable smile.

“Oh, good, you’re here. It wasn’t a dream.”  
She closes her eyes and snuggles close to Lexa, putting her arm around her.

Lexa kisses her forehead.  
“No, Clarke, no dream.”

There is a satisfied hum and then steady breathing. Lexa smiles herself to sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a little late with this update, so I thought I'd make it up to you by adding two chapters. ;)

“Thank you for driving me, Raven. Raven is a beautiful name by the way.”  
Anya feels the effect of the beer in her system. It makes her a little light-headed.

“Thank you. My mom chose it.” Raven smiles and waits. They are in front of Anya’s place and so far Anya hasn’t made a move to get out. Raven wonders what this means? Also, if she thinks about it, she doesn’t really want Anya to leave. She has no clue what that means either.

Anya finally reaches for the door handle. Before she pulls it she hesitates and looks back at Raven.  
“Will you be okay?”

Raven nods.  
“Yes. I think so. Thanks again.”  
She thinks about anything else to say, anything that will keep the conversation going, but nothing comes to mind. 

“There’s no need to thank me.”  
Anya bites her lip and Raven finds it quite adorable.

“Maybe this is a weird request, but … can I give you my number? Just in case you want to talk?”  
Anya doesn’t know how else to do this. She has this need to see Raven again, but asking her for her number would implicate exactly that and she isn’t ready for it and she is afraid Raven might say no.

Raven smirks a little, because Anya Woods is blushing. She is pretty sure that under normal circumstances Anya has an intimidating effect on people, but right now she seems hesitant.  
“Only if you’ll take mine in return. Just in case you want to talk …”

Anya frowns.  
“Are you making fun of me?”

Raven grins and her answer comes without thinking about it first.  
“Depends. Are you hitting on me?”  
She is surprised how much this sounded like she is flirting.

Anya looks at her with a serious expression on her face and the alcohol now makes her feel bolder.  
“What if I do?”

“Then I guess you scored by getting my number.”  
Raven deadpans besides feeling anything but calm. She reaches for the phone Anya hands her and punches in the digits of her number. Then she calls herself.  
“Done.”  
She hands the phone back to Anya and when their fingers touch there is a small electric current. Now both of them blush.

“It’s late. I should get out of your car …”  
Anya looks at her and then, before she has time to reconsider, she leans forward and gives Raven a kiss on the lips. It’s simple, chaste kiss, but when she opens her eyes Raven is staring at her with a mixture of shock and awe. 

“I am sorry, I shouldn’t have …”

“No, don’t apologize. It was … good …”  
Raven has no idea what to say.

Anya has her hand on the door handle again.  
“I am still sorry. I shouldn’t just have …you know …”  
She blinks, making her look like a lost puppy somehow.  
“Would it be alright if I called you?”

Raven chuckles.  
“Well, I can’t stop you, having given you my number and such …”

Anya manages a smile and opens the car door.  
“Be safe, okay?”  
“I’ll do my very best.”

“Good night, Raven.”

Raven looks at Anya and feels her mouth form a smile.  
“Sweet dreams, Anya …”

Anya nods and closes the door. She stares past the car until it rounds the corner. She searches for her keys, but she’s too flustered to concentrate and so she sits down on the stairs that lead to the entrance of the house and watches her breath form little clouds in the air.

“Well, that was unexpected.”


	13. Chapter 13

“Good morning.”

Lexa is more or less still asleep when she smells the coffee. And it smells like heaven. She wants it, but she knows she has to open her eyes for that and she is still so sleepy. She grumbles something unintelligible and hears a small laugh in return.

“You really aren’t much of a morning person, are you?”

Clarke. Now Lexa remembers and her eyes are open in no time. Clarke is standing next to the bed, a coffee mug in hand. She is wearing one of those oversized ice hockey jerseys. Her hair is in a ponytail, but a few strands have escaped and are framing her face. She looks adorable.

“Hey, sleepyhead.”

“Hey”, Lexa croaks and instantly clears her throat, making Clarke laugh even more.  
She sits down on the edge of the mattress and hands Lexa the mug.  
“Milk and one sugar, right?”

Lexa sits up. The bright daylight makes her blink a few times.  
“How did you know?”  
She takes a sip of the coffee and sighs. It tastes as good as it smells.

“You had coffee at Bellamy’s party.”

“And you memorized how I drink it?”  
Lexa raises one of her eyebrows in question which makes Clarke laugh.

“I wasn’t stalking you or anything. I work as a doctor in a hospital. Patients have a tendency to not tell you everything, so you have to be observant.”  
She takes in Lexa with her messy hair and the lines the pillow left on the left side of her face. So far Lexa has made no move to bolt and Clarke feels content.

“Did you sleep alright?”

Lexa smiles.  
“Yes. In fact, I did.”  
She sets down the mug on the nightstand and takes hold of Clarke’s hand, intertwining their fingers.  
“How about you?”

“I slept fine. I think I might have kicked you at some point though …”

Lexa grins.  
“You did, but you mumbled an apology in your sleep, so we’re fine.”  
She laughs when Clarke blushes.  
“Don’t be embarrassed. It was cute.”

“I am still sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

Lexa’s smile does something to Clarke. It is genuine and caring and just so cute. She leans in to kiss her.   
“I am really glad that I met you.”

“I am really glad you met me myself.”

Lexa kisses the corner of Clarke’s mouth and hears her stomach growl at the same time.

“I do get the impression that you might be hungry.”  
Clarke sits up.  
“Are you more of a pancakes or more of a bacon and eggs kind of girl?”

“That depends on the time of day and the extent of a possible hangover.”  
Lexa grins.  
“Today I am open for whatever you would like to have.”

“Well, pancakes it is.”

“Can I help?”

“No, but you can keep me company.”  
Clarke gets up and pulls a pair of sweatpants and a shirt from her wardrobe and hands them to Lexa.   
“As much as I appreciate you being naked …  
She smirks  
“… and I really do … I think you might get cold.”

Lexa looks at her and smirks herself.   
“You can just tell me if I am too much of a distraction, you know?”

She pushes away the bedsheets and gets up, standing naked in the middle of the room. Clarke swallows hard and Lexa just cocks her eyebrow, reaches for her panties and her bra that ended up on the chair next to the bed and takes the clothes from Clarke.

“I’ll make a quick stop in the bathroom and then I am all yours.”  
She walks out of the room, knowing exactly that Clarke is staring at the tattoo on her back.

–

“The first few are almost ready. Do you want them now or wait for the rest?”  
Clarke looks over her shoulder when Lexa enters the kitchen and smiles when Lexa places a kiss on the back of her neck.

“Let’s wait.”

Clarke nods and patiently flips the next few pancakes.  
“There is more coffee if you want? Milk and orange juice are in the fridge.”

Lexa looks around the small kitchen. There is an open shelf with glasses and she takes two of them and fills them with juice.

“Where are the plates?”

Clarke points to a cupboard to her right. Knifes, forks and spoons are in a jar on the countertop and so Lexa sets the table. She also gets more coffee for the two of them and by the time she is done, Clarke is finished with the pancakes. 

There is a ray of sunlight that falls through the kitchen window and Lexa closes her eyes for a second and enjoys the feeling of being completely at peace with the world. Clarke’s arms embrace her from behind and she feels her breath on her neck. If this is what love feels like, she has been missing out. But then again, maybe love doesn’t always feel this way.

“Let’s eat before the pancakes get cold.”  
Clarke’s breath tickles and Lexa opens her eyes again.   
She nods and sits down at the table with Clarke across from her. 

The pancakes are delicious. Lexa likes them drowned in maple syrup and Clarke wonders just how often Lexa goes to the gym to be able to eat like she does and still look like … this. She smiles.

“What?”

“Nothing.”  
Clarke grins and Lexa doesn’t believe her.

“You’re grinning at something …”

“No.”  
She bites her lip to keep herself from laughing. Lexa puts down her fork.

“Clarke, lying is not the best start for a relationship.”

Clarke looks at her.  
“Is this what this is then? A relationship?”

“Well, you called me your girlfriend last night so … But if you have reconsidered …”  
Lexa realizes that she has lost her cool within seconds and Clarke sees it, too. She instantly reaches for Lexa’s hand. 

“No. I haven’t reconsidered. Not one bit.”  
She smiles.   
“I just … I thought we should at least talk about it … say it out loud. I am at a point in my life where I am not looking for anything casual. And I want to make sure that this doesn’t scare you.”

“It doesn’t.”  
Lexa feels relieved. The thought of someone dumping her has never been as scary as in this very moment. So love also means the fear of losing someone?   
She squeezes Clarke’s hand. “It really doesn’t.”

“Good. Then, Lexa Woods, I would be honored to call you my girlfriend. And now eat your pancakes.”


	14. Chapter 14

ANYA (4.30am): Lexa, I may have done something stupid. Call me, when you get this?

ANYA (8am): Lexa, can you ask Clarke to check on Raven? Just to make sure she’s fine?

ANYA (11am): Where are you? Still with Clarke? (In that case: Congrats!) I really need to talk to you!

Lexa frowns at her phone.

“Is something wrong?”  
Clarke looks at her from the couch.

“I’m not sure. Can you check your phone, please?”

“Sure, but why?”  
Clarke doesn’t understand. She picks up her phone and looks at the display.  
“Ten messages from Raven.”

“Saying what, if you don’t mind me asking?”  
Lexa waits as Clarks scrolls through her texts.

“Basically that she needs me to call her … in different stages of urgency and with a growing number of expletives.”  
Lexa sits down next to her and shows her Anya’s texts.

“Did something happen between Anya and Raven?”

“I have no idea. How about you call Raven and I call Anya and we find out what’s going on?”

“That sounds like the reasonable thing to do. There’s just one thing I have to check off my list before that.”

“And what’s that?”  
Lexa looks at her and Clarke takes the opportunity and cups her face with both hands.

“This.”  
She kisses her and even though they have spend a lot of time kissing in the last few hours it still feels exciting.  
“Okay, now we can take care of the drama. Do you want to make the call in here? I can use the bedroom.”

Lexa shakes her head.  
“No, you stay on the couch and I’ll take the kitchen. I can make tea if you have some?”

“Yes. It’s on the shelf next to the coffee. Just rummage around the cupboards if you need anything.”

Lexa leaves and dials Anya’s number.  
It only rings two times before she picks up.

“Where the hell have you been?”

Lexa frowns even though Anya can’t see her.  
“A good day to you, too. I’m at Clarke’s. I only just now turned my phone back on.”

“What if needed to call you? What if there was an emergency?”

“Was there?”

“What?”

“An emergency.”  
Lexa fills the kettle with water.

“No …”

“Then what the hell is wrong?”

Anya sighs and Lexa takes the tea leaves from the shelf. She fills some of them into a filter and waits for the water to boil.

“Will you tell me what is bothering you or are you planning on staying silent? Cause it kinda defeats the purpose of me calling you. Which you asked me to do by the way.”  
She leans on the kitchen counter.

“I might have kissed Raven.”  
There is another sigh.

“Okay? Is this a bad thing?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because she was vulnerable and I shouldn’t have taken advantage of the situation.”

“Anya, I will need a little more backstory to make sense of that.”  
The water is boiling and Lexa pours it over the filter and into the teapot.  
“Raven doesn’t seem like someone who would let anyone take advantage of her.”

Anya is sighing again.  
“You and Clarke … Are you two dating now?”

“Yes.”  
Lexa smiles and acknowledging that makes her blush.

“I really want to talk to you about Raven, but that means telling you something you cannot tell Clarke.”

“Okay? Why?”

“Because it’s not my or your place to tell her, but Raven’s.”

Lexa sits down at the table and tries to make sense of that.  
“Anya, you are my cousin and my best friend. If you need to talk to me, talk to me. Let me be the one to figure out how that effects me and my … Clarke.”

“You can say ‘girlfriend’. It’s a perfectly fine word to use.“  
There’s laughter on the other line.  
„About Raven … Yesterday when you all were dancing I found her in the alley behind the bar. She was pacing and … well, you know best what a panic attack looks like.”

“Okay? Yes, I do.”  
Lexa looks at her watch to remind herself when to take care of the tea again.

“She hasn’t told her friends that she has them.”

“And that’s what you want me to keep from Clarke?”

“Yes.”

“In that case you’re right. It’s not our place to tell her.”  
She gets up and fiddles with the tea filter.  
“I am guessing you helped Raven and you think that, because you kissed her, you pushed her into something she didn’t want?”

“Yes.”

“Why did you kiss her, An?”

“What?”

“You heard me. Why did you kiss her? Was it, because you had a few drinks? Did you want to sleep with her? Why did you kiss her?”

“I like her.”  
Anya sounds so serious and Lexa smiles.

“Yup. That’s the impression I got when you got all puppy-eyed.”

“I did not.”

“Oh, yeah, you did.”  
Lexa fishes the filter out of the tea pot.  
“You like her and you kissed her. What did she say?”

“I apologized and she told me that it was fine. Then I asked her if I could call her and she said that she couldn’t stop me, because she had already given me her number.”

“Did she smile when she said that?”

“Yes.”

“Then what are you fussing about?”

“Lexa, didn’t you hear me when I told you that she was emotionally vulnerable? What if I messed this up? What if she feels pressured? What if she never wants to see me again? What if she hates me?”  
There is desperation in Anya’s voice and suddenly Lexa realizes that she has never seen or heard her cousin like this.

“Anya, calm down. I don’t think that Raven hates you. You helped her, she drove you home … which she totally wanted, by the way … and you kissed her. She didn’t slap you, she didn’t tell you to get out of her car and she wants you to call her. It doesn’t sound that bad to me.”

“You think?”

“Yes.”

“Has Clarke checked on her yet?”

“She is on the phone with her right now.”

“She is? Can you find out if she is okay?”

Lexa stares at her phone in bewilderment before she puts it back to her ear.

“No, Anya, I cannot barge in on my … girlfriend … and check if Raven is okay without telling her why you are so upset. I will however try and find out how Raven is later, okay?”

“And you’ll call me?”

“Yes.”

“Promise.”

“Anya, you’re no bloody teenager. Calm down!”

“I can’t seem to.”

“Go to the gym. Have a drink. Watch a movie. Drink herbal tea. I will call you later.”

“Lexa?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you! I love you.”

“I love you, too, stupid.”

She hangs up and shakes her head to see if this is all a dream. It clearly isn’t. She puts the tea pot, milk, sugar, spoons and two mugs on a tray and carefully balances all of it into the living room. Clarke is still on the phone and so Lexa places everything on the coffee table and silently offers to leave again, but Clarke shakes her head. Lexa then pours the tea and puts milk and sugar into hers. Clarke absentmindedly does the same and stirs.

“No, Raven, I am sure that Anya is fine.”  
Clarke looks at Lexa who tilts her head and makes a gesture that says something between ‘yes’ and ‘more or less’.

“I promise I will ask Lexa … but why don’t you just call …? Yes. I promise, Raven. I will be there at 5.”  
She gives Lexa an apologetic smile and Lexa smiles back at her and nods, because of course Clarke has to be there for Raven, even if she would love nothing more than to spend the day with her.

“Okay. We can order pizza … Okay. See you later, Rae.”  
Clarke disconnects the call and sighs.   
“So your cousin kissed my friend.”

Lexa sits down next to her and picks up her tea.  
“It certainly seems that way. How is Raven?”

“Confused.”

“In a bad way?”

“I wouldn’t say that. But confused nevertheless.”  
Clarke leans back.  
“It gets a bit complicated when it comes to Raven and love. … How about Anya?”

“The same. She is afraid that she has crossed a few lines.”

“Well, Raven didn’t seem to be mad about the kiss. She’s more confused about what it means and how she is supposed to react.”

“What it means?”  
Lexa puts down her mug settles into the sofa. Clarke leans her head against Lexa’s shoulder.  
“Well, Anya certainly seems to like Raven, if that helps at all. I’ve never seen my cousin so flustered.”

“I don’t think, that Anya is the problem here. Raven is … she had a bad experience and she hasn’t been herself ever since.”  
Clarke sighs.

“Okay?”  
The unspoken question is hanging in the room and Clarke knows that she has to address it. She takes a moment to steady herself.

“I met Raven in physical therapy and we quickly became friends. I was 21, Raven was 22. A few years later she met a guy. Finn. He lived in LA so she flew there on a regular basis and they started dating. I only met him about two years later. Somehow we were never in the same place at the same time …”  
Her voice trailed off and Lexa patiently waited for her to go on.

“I had a few relationships myself, but nothing serious. … But then one day Raven decided to throw a party and that’s when I finally met Finn … It wasn’t love at first sight. I thought he was too smug, he thought I was too serious.”  
She chuckles.

“But there was attraction. I knew that from the first moment I laid eyes on him.”  
She bites her lip.

“But he was Raven’s boyfriend and I would never have done anything to hurt her. … So I tried not to spend too much time with Finn. It worked for a while … but then Finn moved to New York and it got more complicated. How do you tell your best friend that you don’t want to spend time with her boyfriend without admitting you’re attracted to him?”  
There was another chuckle, sadder this time.  
“Also it wasn’t just me. Finn felt the same.”

She looks up at Lexa.  
“Don’t judge him, because of it. He never made a move on me while he was with Raven. We were just friends, but the more I got to know him, the more I fell for him. He was sweet and kind, funny and smart. He made me laugh. … When Raven told me that Finn had left her I knew why. And when he came to my door and told me he was in love with me … It almost ruined Raven’s and my friendship. Even if I kept Finn away for months after that … It took a long time before Rae finally spoke to me again and when she did she told me not to let the best thing that had ever happened to me get away.“   
She swallows, but the lump in her that won’t go away.  
„… Finn and I were together until he died.”  
She tries to ignore the tears on her face.  
“He was shot in a robbery while we were on a date. That was five years ago.”

Lexa’s hand finds its way into hers.  
“I am so sorry.”

“Don’t be. It wasn’t you who shot the gun.”  
She clenches her teeth. There is still so much pain when she thinks about Finn. She feels her body tense up. She feels the tears running down her face and there is nothing she can do about it.   
Lexa kisses her temple. It unravels Clarke. She has no idea if it is bad form to cry about her dead former boyfriend the day after she first had sex with her new girlfriend while said girlfriend is holding her, but right now she doesn’t care. She melts into Lexa who just holds her. There are still so many tears to be shed over Finn. 

Lexa does her best to comfort Clarke. She has no idea what to say. Which are the right words to say to someone who not only lost her father, but also someone she truly loved in such a violent matter? The pure thought of Clarke being in harms way adds to her confusion. Lexa feels anger towards the shooter and pain, because Clarke is hurting and she can’t do anything about that, but hold her and whisper into her ear that she is safe. With her. That she won’t go away. But then again, Finn probably didn’t plan on leaving either …   
She runs her fingertips over the bare skin on Clarke’s arm until Clarke relaxes and the crying stops. They sit there a while longer and Lexa isn’t sure if Clarke is still awake, but then she speaks.  
„I am sorry.“

„For what?“  
Lexa is confused. She looks down at Clarke’s beautiful face and she has no clue what she could be sorry about.

„I come with a lot of baggage …“

Lexa smiles.  
„We all come with a lot of baggage.“

„But I bet you didn’t expect me to unravel like this on the first day.“

„Clarke, there is nothing you have to be sorry for. Actually I have to thank you.“

„Thank me?“  
Clarke sniffles and reaches for the tissue box on the coffee table.

„Sharing this can’t be easy. That you did means a lot to me.“

Clarke looks at her.  
„One day I will tell you the whole story … but not today. I … It’s hard.“

„You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.“  
Lexa wipes away a tear that has been rolling down Clarke’s cheek in slow-motion.   
„So … Raven … ?“

„Yes?“

„She still isn’t over Finn?“

„I don’t know how much of it is still about him and how much is about the fear of losing somebody in general.“  
Clarke wipes her eyes.  
„She never talked about Finn, about his death. She shut it away.”

Lexa frowns a little.  
„But … I’m sorry if this is a silly question … is she into girls at all? Don’t get me wrong. I just don’t want to see Anya get hurt.“

„Well, Raven has been with women on occasion … sexually, I mean … but since Finn there has never been anyone who would have made it past round one.“  
Clarke looks at her.  
„On the other hand, there has never been anyone who would have confused her enough for us to have the kind of conversation we just had on the phone. And the fact that I have order – she literally said ‚order‘ – to meet her later says something.“

„Hm.“

„What about Anya?“

„Oh, Anya is into women. No doubt about that.“  
Lexa chuckles.  
„But she’s usually the ‚no more than three dates‘ kind of girl. Then again I’ve never seen her so messed up after kissing a girl.“

Clarke rests her head on Lexa’s shoulder again.  
„So they are just as messed up as anybody else?“

„Seems like it.“

„Swell.“

„It seems like Octavia and Lincoln are the only ones who have it figured out.“

Clarke looks up at her and softly shakes her head.  
„Don’t even think that for one minute. It took them an eternity to get where they are. O didn’t want to be ‚chained down‘, Lincoln didn’t want to quit the army. It was a mess.“

Lexa chuckles again.  
„Well, I am still learning about these things, but maybe that’s what love is?“

„What?“

„Messy.“


End file.
